Why bother with all this stuff anyway.

I have been a member since April and have watched and listened to everything. I have been listening to the podcast since your 3rd episode. I have read all of the Ask Brooke questions and answers and I am fascinated by the fact that I don’t want to do anything. By that I mean the writing down of things. Doing the exercises in the books. Answer the questions from the podcasts. It makes me think that I want to feel like a victim. Have people feel sorry for me. feel sorry for myself. No way!

In 2011 I lost 89 pounds and over the last 6 years have gained back 35. I know that there is something there that I need to address but I am either too scared or too numb to know what it is. I know that I can control my thoughts and even think new ones. That was the 3rd time I lost weight and looked “normal” only to gain the weight back.

Growing up I was often reminded that I was too fat or too ugly for anyone to care about me. So I became totally self reliant hoping that at least my parents would love me because at least I wasn’t needy. Because I didn’t want to be a victim. It felt like everything about me was an inconvenience; I was always too big for them- physically, emotionally, personality. It wasn’t until the day of my father’s funeral that my mother told me that the reason she treated me the way that she did was because she thought that my father cared more for me than her. Mind blown. So from that day until the day she died my heart opened and I couldn’t have shown her any more love and compassion than I did, even when she continued to make some of the comments-or told me that my brother was always better than I was. Because I knew she could only do what she was doing. And I chose to think differently about it.

I feel as though I have been living behind this huge wall and when I lost the weight and thought it came down nothing changed in my life other than my clothes were smaller. I still saw the same person in the mirror. And I was still unattractive. Clearly because no one said so.

I will be 60 next year and just feel like (no I am thinking— I recognize that it is my thoughts) that my best years have passed by and who cares about all this stuff. Why bother? It took me 4 months to join Scholars. I procrastinate in thinking about what I need to change. I have no self confidence to think that I have anything personally to offer someone. and boy do I feel like I let the past control me and the way that I feel about things.

When I saw you coach the woman outside Starbucks who talked about getting beaten, I started to cry. I knew then that something within me is trying to change, I just don’t know how or where to start. Belts, brushes or hands on me to punish me, and more if I cried. I am just so used to being shut down my reaction surprised me. And I guess that it helped me see that I am not alone.

So this is where I’d like to begin doing the work.
C- I weigh 175
T- I guess that I am destined to be the fat, ugly girl
F- lonely isolated
A-continue to eat (why not)
R- even more misery

C- I weigh 175
T- I’m a really smart girl, I should be able to figure this out
F- frustration, annoyance
A- eat to buffer
R- not happy still

And this is where I end. Could I get some feedback, please?
This stuff will save my emotional life. That’s why I bother.

Thanks for listening and offering this resource.