I listened to the boundaries coaching call with Lisa… I haven’t really thought about boundaries before with respect to parenting my kids, but I realized today after listening to the replay that it might apply.
Here’s my current model upon model upon model when I have not been implementing boundaries.
C:I tell my 11 year old son he cannot go to a friend’s house right now, and he yells at me, “WHAT!? WHY NOT?! I told him I was going to his house!?”
T: (I’m not sure my thought, I just go straight to pissed off at him for being disrespectful and back talking.)
A: Yell at kid.
R: Feel guilty
Next chain of events.
C: Notice feeling of guilt
T: I was too harsh
A: Compromise and let him go to friend’s house
R: feel angry that I compromised and permitted him to back talk
Next model on that model
C: Allow kid to go to friend’s house even though he argued with my original boundary.
T: I am a shitty parent and he will never learn to be respectful because I allowed this.
F: Anger at myself.
A: try to talk to the kid to tell him that he can’t yell at me when I tell him he can’t go to a friend’s house
R: feel powerless
I need a new model. If my boundary is not allowing my kids to argue back when I tell them “NO.” How do I implement this?
C: I tell kid he can’t play at friend’s and he yells, “WHAT!? WHY NOT!? I TOLD HIM WE WERE GOING TO PLAY!”
In my mind, the boundary has been crossed. Now what?
Side note: the boundary isn’t crossed because of the fact that I am completely unwilling to reconsider my original answer. The boundary has been crossed because of his tone of voice, his reaction and disrespect.
New thought and model may be?
T: I will not allow my son to talk to me like that.
A: Stuck here? What do I do if the boundary is for ME and not for him?
Thanks for your help!