Boundaries with a friend


Hi Brooke-

I’m having trouble putting a certain situation into the model. Here goes:

So I have a best friend whom I love and adore, but I feel I value the friendship a lot more than she does.

She is a very sensitive person who puts EVERYTHING into all of her friendships and relationships, and has said in the past that if people need to much from her, she can’t continue to be there friend because it’s too draining for her. I’ve seen her let go of a BUNCH of our mutual friends in the past. I empathize with her because she gives A LOT to a lot of people, and I think isolates herself when she’s asked to give more than she has energy in her reserve for.

I feel that she doesn’t make thattttt much of an effort when it comes to our friendship, which I’ve done a lot of inner work around, have made excuses for why this happens, and always give her the benefit of the doubt.

However, she decided recently that she wants to become a coach, and all the sudden seems to be getting a hold of me more often (as I myself am a coach, have gone through coaching school, and have a coaching business).

She’s asked for my help when it comes to learning the process and steps of becoming a coach, and I’m completely less than eager to share all that I know about the subject (or really any of it), because it feels pretty unbalanced to me. I set up an initial boundary with her–telling her that the first thing she needs to do is look for a coaching school– (because I don’t want to just be someone whose life you can come in and out of as you see fit, when it best serves you).

Obviously I know it takes two to tango. I’ve had a role in the way the friendship has progressed. I don’t even exactly know what my question is. I guess I’m just curious about how to apply this situation to the model. When I made a model for this situation it went like this:

Unintentional
C: My friend is interested in becoming a coach and is contacting me more often because she’d like my help
T: I’m not going to roll out the red carpet and provide tons of info to her simply because she decided the timing to connect is good for her
F: Anger, Frustration
A: Avoid her calls (I haven’t expressed my frustration, I’ve just hidden it. Assuming that’s part of the problem?)
R: Feeling resentful, and have self-pity

Intentional:
C: My friend is interested in becoming a coach and is contacting me more often because she’d like my help
T: My friend wants to share her gifts with the world and finally found a career she’s interested in that will allow her to do that.
F: Excited
A: Express enthusiasm and joy for my friend
R: Bond over shared interest?!

I know the intentional model is SO completely off (and maybe the unintentional one is too) as it doesn’t address the issue of me setting up more of a boundary. I’m just not sure where and how that comes in when it comes to the model. (Also, I’ve been scared of sharing my feelings with her as I’m afraid of loosing her as a friend–and maybe that’s what I need to work on).

Hope this makes sense! Thanks in advance. xx