Boundary or Manipulation


My boyfriend and I have made a commitment to each other for the last 13 years to quit drinking in February. This year he confirmed he wanted to do it again, Then he got fired on 1/28/22. He has been drinking ever since. We have had a few conversations about it. I feel like he has not held up his commitment. On Friday night, we were going to watch a show. He told me he was going to have a cocktail while we watched the show. I told him I would go to my room and not be part of that. I shared that I feel like he broke his commitment to me and that is not OK for me but that I understood it was his choice. I feel like this was a clear boundary.

So, today is Sunday. We usually have sex on Sunday. I am not interested. On one hand, I believe it is setting a boundary. He is not living up to his commitments to our relationship. I feel like intimacy is part of a committed relationship. If he will not live up to the commitment we agreed, I will not continue with the intimacy that was part of the same relationship. Is this a boundary or is it manipulation?

It doesn’t feel good so I think the answer is it is manipulation but, in the circumstances, my body is not at all interested in our regular Sunday activities.

C – B is drinking alcohol in February
T – He has broken his commitment
F – Loneliness
A – do not spend time with him when he is drinking, do not have physical intimacy with him, think about all the ways he is/has treated me wrongly, think about all the things I have to do by myself because he prioritizes other things, including alcohol, don’t find other people to do fun activities with, don’t spend time nurturing my own enjoyment activities
R – I break my commitment to me