Boyfriend and his ex


I’m struggling with my relationships hardcore.

To shorten the story here are the facts:
1. I have a relationships with S.
2. Few weeks ago he told me he had certain work plans but when I checked his phone I found out he planned to meet with his ex to practise dancing alone.
3. We broke up and got back together and a few days again I checked his phone again and saw their previous messages. I found out it wasn’t the first time they’ve met alone.
4. I did know about the first few times they’ve met but I didn’t know about some of them.
5. The majority of the messages and meetings were initiated by him.
6. One of the texts was: “How am I gonna fall asleep without your ass” – probably referring to a pic she sent him long time ago when they were dating.

I did a long thought download about all this. We already had a difficult conversation about it when we started dating and it always seemed to be a problem. There is so much anger in me right now towards him and her. I hate her. I want to text hateful messages both to him and to her. But I’m not sure if I want to show up this way. I did allow my anger all the way though. It looked like a fire going all the way through my body and I also saw a dragon. I saw this fire starting in my chest and spreading to all the parts of my body and then going outside of me into the world. By the end of allowing, the fire became a small little thing and stopped burning after all so I did process. But then the moment I started to think about it at all came back again. Rage. Hatred.

I feel so weird. I want to see him and I don’t at the same time. When I keep bringing it up he keeps saying the same things. And I want him to have a real conversation with me. Even though I’m not sure how to hold space with all that anger.

When I read my thought download I discovered the source of my pain. Here are some thoughts:
She is more important than me.
He still has feelings for her.
He is with me only because things didn’t work out with her.
He actually wants to be with her and I’m just a safe plan.
I’m not enough for him.
I’m broken.
He betrayed me
He is appreciating her more than me.
He always wants to help her and save her and I hate it.
Even after she slept with his friend he still wants to help her.

So I already know this pattern of mine where I’m looking for all the ways where something is wrong with me or I’m broken. And now I’m realising it as well. He has shown me many time in our relationships that I am important to him but I still can’t get rid of the thought : If I was important to him then what was the need to reach out to her and meet with her? It’s impossible for me to trust him now.

So I am staying home not knowing what to do with myself. I know I’m not ready to move into intentional model but I don’t know what to do with this one either.

Also I know I need to work through my own mess around it but I would also like to know how to approach the conversation with him? How to stop it from being repetitive and move into something? Maybe I need to process my part in it first. I just don’t like that I can’t focus on my own life and my own things because of all that. I spend all the energy on figuring this out.

Here is my model:
C – texts in S’s phone with ex. video of them dancing on the street at night. message: How am I going to fall asleep without your butt.
T – I’m not enough for him
F – unworthy
A – control him; looking into his phone to find more proof; look for reasons whats wrong with me; picking fights with him about it; staying angry at him and her; hate both of them; not reminding myself about my worthiness; not noticing all the good in me
R: I show up as not being enough.
I prove to self that I am not enough
I’m not acting as enough
I don’t see myself as enough

All the insights will be great.
Thank you.