C: Boyfriend texted me goodnight
T: He should have asked me to text him when I got home or stayed up to make sure I got home safe
F: Disconnected
A: Ruminate. My relationship anxiety thought playlist starts up and I listen to it. I do a model. I research obsessively to figure out what’s missing in my relationship (my buffering of choice).
R: I look for what’s wrong in my relationship

I tried Byron Katie’s turnarounds and came up with: boyfriend SHOULDN’T have asked me to text when I got home or stayed up. He is showing me exactly who is is.

Then I thought…it’s not like he doesn’t care about me. It’s not like he thought “meh who cares if she dies on the drive home, not my problem!” I know he cares. I don’t think he has the same kind of driving anxiety that I do. So, in that way it’s not as big of a deal.

I also had the thought “I don’t love him”.

To which my wise brain asked if I could just feel love for him anyway, and take whatever actions I need to take and still love him?

What if I just loved him exactly how he is? Truly loved him without wanting a single thing to change. I can choose to leave if I want, and I’m currently choosing to stay, but either way I can choose to love him. I don’t have to hate him to leave.

I am going to practice loving him unconditionally and see what happens. It doesn’t mean I have to gaslight myself into staying in a relationship. But until I can accept him fully, we never really had a chance.