Jan 2019 – my sister had me be the bridesmaid. She could invite 17 people. She sent me an invite that said bc of the limited seating only bring yourself. I wasn’t aware of this. My boyfriend made it mean my sister was selfish and callous and that she and her husband didn’t care about him. We fought about it. I let him not come to my family events for the past almost two years.
I visited my sister and my family today without my boyfriend. My sister text me “is Nate open to hanging out with us??”. And I asked Nathan and he said No, he’s still hurt about that and wants to be around people “that care about and respect him”. I don’t like this. I don’t want to continue like this. I don’t want to wait until it’s better.
I’m just sitting in it and probably in emotional childhood bc I think it’s unfair. I want my partner to come with me to family stuff. I want my partner to come to the table and make an effort to heal his hurt. I think it should be one way and definitely resisting reality. My brain says leave if this is the way it’s going to be. I don’t like it.
I am so jacked on frustration and hurt that -I- can’t see it any other way either. If I came from love, I would be understanding of his decision. I feel resentment bc I had to put aside my issues with his ex-wife and make nice with her but I want him to see my family and it’s “his boundaries” and he’s “not going to be fake”.
My dilemma is –
He’s entitled to his thoughts and feelings. I don’t control those. He is allowed to make this decision of not wanting to see them because that’s what’s right for him. I don’t get to decide that.
But I’m not okay with it because I have wants. It almost feels like I am using thought work against myself to be okay with it. I clearly have a manual of how someone should act in this situation after almost two years. I believe he should work towards taking responsibility for his thoughts and feelings instead of blaming them for his feelings. I want him to hang out with my sister and her husband. If I just let it be how it is, I don’t think I can be okay with this.
So it’s be okay with his decision or not. Is that my only two options?? Are there any other options?
C: bf said “no I don’t want to hang out with your sister and her husband”
T: I don’t think I can be okay with this
A: look for all the evidence of how I am not okay with it, don’t look for ways I can be okay with it, go on a walk, tell him he is doing this to himself, not pay attention to my feelings, not allow my feelings, think he’s causing my feelings, don’t let him have feelings, try to control what he thinks about it, don’t define what ok or not ok means, give up, avoid finding any alternatives
R: I prevent myself from allowing any other option.
R: I make myself not okay with it.
C: bf says he’s “not going to be fake” when I ask him to see my sister and her husband
T: he shouldn’t be like this
A: tell him why he’s wrong, tell him my family does want to see him, ruminate about all the other times he’s said things about my sister, think about how I cant deal with this, tell him he’s doing this to himself, focus on him and not me, don’t look at my feelings, don’t think about how I want to show up, don’t take responsibility for my anger
R: I resist making my own decisions about how I want to handle this for myself.
R: I create the experience of a wrong and right way to handle this.
I need help on taking responsibility for how I feel. I logically know he’s not making me feel this way. But I also don’t like his decision.