Hi, thanks in advance for helping with this.

I’m struggling right now with my feelings because last week my boyfriend said some words to me using adjectives and a negative vicious tone.

I’m upset about this and struggling to move forward. I don’t really know how to tease out the difference between a manual and having an actual relationship because I do actually have feelings that I guess I allowed to get hurt when I hear words about me that are not true and said in a tone that is respectful.

Compounding the problem is that my boyfriend said these words in response to me sharing my feelings about sex. I am now incredibly confused which I know we are not supposed to be sitting in the program about how to move forward and thinking through this.

I would like to be able to share my feelings about the words that were said. However I feel like I’m in a bind because the words he said were around me being unsatisfiable. So, if I bring up my feelings about what he said and how he said it, I am therefore being unsatisfiable and now I’m stuck shutting down my own feelings because I feel like I’m not supposed to be having them and I’m operating on some sort of manual. I’m very confused.

Ultimately I would like my result to be that I share my feelings support myself and allowing my feelings to be true and valid and that I do not accept the words that he said as true about me and that we are able to come to a place where we can move forward in our relationship and I get to show up how I want to which is not being afraid of releasing the dragon with I share my feelings.

Is there a way to see this as an opportunity to actually become closer if we are able to talk about it? Or is this one of those things where it’s all in my head and my thoughts?

I would like to show up in the relationship as my best self and loving and kind and generous. So I already know the answers to those questions.

I understand that he can’t hurt my feelings but he can certainly change the balance of the relationship so my question is really about how to move forward in a way where the relationship can be rebalanced after I feel hurt by words. I don’t think that scholars is suggesting that when someone says words to us that we completely ignore them and don’t actually process them in some way which is where I’m getting confused.