I have been dating R for four years. We live 1.5 hours apart. I do 90 percent of the driving. I am a single mom and have an 18-year-old daughter. I have only felt comfortable being away from the house about two nights a week. He wanted me to spend more time there.

She has graduated from high school and I feel like I could spend more time there. Now he is mad at me for not spending more time when he wanted me to and wants to take every other weekend off. So now we are seeing each other about six days a month, down from about 8-10. The last weekend we had off his roommate was out of town and it is the same for this coming weekend.

He said he wanted to break up a few weeks ago but we didn’t. (We broke up 3x in the past, for 2-10 weeks each time, and I don’t want to keep repeating that pattern.) He slept with eight people during the three breakups. I feel paranoid and hurt about this.

We talk on the phone about half the days we are apart. He gets angry when I don’t answer the phone when he calls but this week I called him at 10pm and he didn’t call me back until the afternoon two days later. I feel emotionally attached and sexually attracted to him and really sad and discouraged about possibly breaking up yet I’m somewhat angry and ambivalent about staying together.

Yesterday he told me that he cares about me a lot and is continuing the relationship because we’ve been together so long, but he is ‘just not feeling it.’ (He also talked theoretically about us moving in together in the context of me wanting to purchase a house in the next few years. He suggested if we moved in together I could still buy a house as an investment property.) In the past, he has said that he wants me to be more dedicated to him like he thinks my daughter is to her boyfriend (they spend most of their free time together).

He wanted to have this weekend off but now I’m going to his house on Sunday and we are having his family over to cookout on Memorial Day. I have a story that he is all over the place emotionally and I am suffering for it.

I feel exhausted from trying to maintain this relationship. I want to be with someone who is loyal, loving, and wants to be with me.

I feel like he is constantly creating conflict and being dissatisfied with me (he would say the same about me.) He criticizes me for my weight, age, and how I dress. (I’m 46, he’s 35.) He wants to have kids. I have two kids (18 and 25) and I don’t want more. I criticize him for being mean, sleeping with other people, having a messy house, and I wish he dressed better.

C: R said I’m just not feeling it
T: This is a disaster
F: Despair
A: Cry, think about reasons we should break up, wonder what is wrong with me that he doesn’t love me, don’t talk to him about my feelings, don’t sleep enough, don’t find solutions to help myself feel better, think mean thoughts about myself, him, and our relationship
R: I create a disaster in my love life

C: R says words
T: R is all over the place emotionally and I am suffering for it
F: Self-pity
A: Don’t ask him to clarify what he means, look for clues about where our relationship is heading, abdicate responsibility for being an equal part of the relationship, think about things that he said in the past, try to translate what he says, and does into what I should do, give up on myself, don’t think clearly, indulge in thoughts and emotions that hurt me.
R: I am all over the place emotionally and I suffer for it

C: Different opinions about when to see each other
T: I feel exhausted from trying to maintain this relationship.
F: Defeated
A: Don’t listen closely to what he is saying, list his negative personality traits, list the things I do to support the relationship, think he doesn’t appreciate me, give up on supporting myself, make his actions mean I’m not good enough and that he isn’t a quality person, don’t tell him how I’m feeling, don’t contribute to the relationship, to myself, or to him, I withhold love from myself and him.
R: I feel exhausted in the relationship

C: 4-year relationship with R, three breakups, talk of another
T: I can be safe, happy, and complete in or out of this relationship
F: Safe
A: Do models, talk to R about my feelings, desires, and concerns, stop trying to make everything better by ignoring problems and people-pleasing him, get serious about what I want in life and in a relationship, consider that I have survived breakups before and even been happier after, remember there are many people in the world I could have a romantic relationship with, listen to his concerns and try to address them if I want to, let him be himself, stop trying to control myself, him, and the outcome of our relationship, I can accept what is.
R: I am become aware of being safe, happy, and complete

C: Relationship with R
T: I can be dedicated to loving myself in or out of this relationship
F: Loved, relieved
A: put all of this in perspective, don’t take responsibility for stuff in the relationship that is not my responsibility, stop trying to control the outcome, accept R and myself exactly as we are right now, be open to the positive things about our relationship and the conflicts we have had, think about if this relationship is right for me, be open to deciding what I want, forgive him and myself for being imperfect, consider this a learning opportunity
R: I become more dedicated to loving myself

Thanks for reading my long post, I appreciate your help.