Breakup (again or finally?)

(Thanks for your patience with this long explanation).

I have been seeing a man for nearly four years. I am 46. He is 11 years younger than me. We started seeing each other casually, but that gradually evolved into a committed relationship. We have seen each other pretty much each weekend throughout. We live 1.5 hours apart and I drive there 90% of the time.

We broke up in August of 2019 for about three months and for a few weeks in October of 2018. I care about him a lot and we have good chemistry and understanding in many ways. I think we are not compatible over the long term. He wants kids. My kids are 17 and 25, and I really don’t want more.

He started drinking more often when we broke up in ‘19 and since that time he has said really difficult, inappropriate stuff to me while he was drinking. Some of it I was able to work through as he would talk about women he dated before we were together or while we were broken up. Some of it I kind of shrugged off thinking it was just weird, and not going to happen anyway, like he wants to keep sleeping with me when he is married or in his new relationship. He also said something really inappropriate about one of my family members that I am not going to share now. He shrugs these things off when I bring them up and says I shouldn’t listen to him, but later sometimes doubles down on the idea.

As has happened before, we argued and he asked me to leave. I’ve found in the past that he usually doesn’t really want me to leave but to apologize and make up with him. This week, and two weeks ago, I left when he asked me to. Typically, once he has calmed down, he will ask me to come back. When we broke up in ‘19 we got back together within a week of me reaching out to him after a no-contact period.

On Saturday we argued on the way to lunch and I drove home. He blocked me on social media. I feel tired and sort of numb. I think I should have broken up with him sooner. I have thought we were going to break up many times before.

I think I have been coaching myself through a toxic relationship. I’ve cried about it a lot in the past, but not so much lately. I know I can choose what I want to do. I think I will probably feel lonely when we do break up for good, whether it is now or in the future. I also feel sad and like avoiding social situations and things I should be doing like my job search.

I would like to have a healthier relationship. I would like to say ‘no’ to stuff like this sooner if it comes up in future relationships.

I’ve been working on self-coaching for over a year. I do feel more emotionally solid. Coaching has really helped me feel better and deal with stress. I think I’ve gotten kind of laissez-faire. Like I can handle more stress, and instead of putting that energy into moving forward, I am kind of stuck in confusion or trying to process things that aren’t even my business to deal with.

C: Likely breakup
T: I don’t know what is going to happen
F: Exhausted
A: Hang around my house and do my life at half speed. Avoid my feelings with Netflix, snacks, and busywork. Don’t go outside, don’t exercise, don’t read. Avoid the issue. Wait for something to happen.
R: I create uncertainty for myself