Brother’s Passing

My younger brother took his own life 9 months ago. Two weeks prior to his passing he emailed me a suicide letter that he claims was set on a timer to be sent to me but he had a failed attempt and forgot to stop the email. During the next to weeks I messaged him daily, and asked him several times if we could hang out/I could come over and he either ignored the question or told me maybe later/I don’t know etc.

After he took his life, a huge regret for me that I have had trouble letting go of is that I should have gone to see him during those two weeks. Just shown up at his house, even if he didn’t agree for me to go there. I think I’ll always wonder if it could have changed something for him (even though I had been trying for years to change his suicidal thoughts/get him help).

I feel like I failed him, and that I should have gone to see him. There are so many “what ifs” that I can’t seem to fully forgive myself for not being there for him in person. I was trying to use a different method that I hadn’t used before, and that was to tell him I was there for him if he needed me, but I didn’t take on all the responsibility for getting him help this time around. After so many years of hearing he was suicidal, I didn’t think it was ever really going to happen. If I had known he was going to do it (and succeed with it) I would have driven to his house within those two weeks in a heart beat. I hate that I didn’t.

I’ve made models about this but it’s still weighing on my mind… any advice on how to work through these thoughts is appreciated.