Buffering away grief


My Dad and Grandma both passed away within 53 days of each other (November 7th & December 29th). Dad’s was completely unexpected and Grandma’s was a long time coming. I know everyone experiences grief differently. I’m usually a very organized, ambitious, creative person, but I’ve known for a while (since I started bingeing the podcast) that I buffer a lot, and now I’m scared that I’m buffering away my grief. I’ve not had luck with stopping buffering before they passed away, and that’s a big reason why I joined Scholars.

(Unintentional?)
C: Dad and Grandma died within 53 days of each other
T: I’m not letting myself feel full grief
F: Scared
A: Buffer with Facebook, watching movies/TV, reading self-help/grief books, compulsively checking phone, other things that constantly distract me
R: I avoid feeling the full depth of double grief

(Intentional?)
C: Dad and Grandma died within 53 days of each other
T: They wouldn’t want their deaths to hold any of my family back
F: Sadness/Relief/Grief (that thought brings up all of these feelings; do they belong in different models?)
A: Do “grief work” (this is what my therapist called it but I don’t understand what “grief work” really means)
R: I get through the pain and come out stronger

I can’t tell if I’m mixing models or what I need to do/think to stop buffering this really painful experience away.