For the first time, I have sat with myself tonight after dinner to see what comes up when I don’t buffer with food.

After a little while of ‘this is stupid/boring/let’s just eat something and do this tomorrow’, I had ‘powerful’ thoughts of:
I should be doing something productive [and I am not, therefore]
I am wasting my evenings [therefore]
I am wasting my life

I put each of these thoughts into a model separately and they all generate the same F and A, see below, but slightly different R’s?

C: 7.29pm on Tuesday. Sat on coach.
T: I am wasting my life
T: I should be doing something productive
T: I am wasting my evenings
F: Shame
A: lament on all ‘the chances I have not taken in life’, count all the things in my head that I could or should be doing, think of time wasted on all other evenings and in life generally, think of all the times I procrastinate, judge myself for being lucky enough to have plenty of free time and wasting it when others would kill for more time, try and distract with a book or podcast, judge self when this doesn’t ‘work’, try and force myself to do something ‘productive’ then feel worse when I ‘don’t want to do it’, judge self for creating this pain loop and ‘being unable’ to ‘action’ my way out of it, ruminate on all the ‘chances’ I have been given (being smart, creative) and wasting them, think of all the projects and ideas started and never finished, before finally turning to food or alcohol.
R: waste my life?
R: do nothing productive / perpetuate belief I should be productive?
R: waste my evening (how are these R’s?)

I am really glad to discover this so I can work on it. My question is, what now?

Should I work on not buffering and sitting with these feelings, or work on actually doing shit in the evening? (Is the latter working on the A line?).

When I ask myself why I am not doing ‘anything productive’ in the evening, my brain says: “I don’t want to / I can’t be bothered / it’s too hard, or (my favourite!) “I shouldn’t have to be productive in the evening” – the OPPOSITE of the though above!!! WTF BRAIN!!!! How are these two opposing thoughts in my head and both are making me feel like shit (and both not producing anything!)

Also, My brain is saying that ‘I am wasting my life’ is a fact when I know intellectually it is a thought.

Where can I go from here? Thank you so much!