Buffering with Thought Work

I made a decision for my own mental health needs to end a three year relationship with my partner who is an alcoholic.

My decision was to spend one year by myself, without any relationship for the first time in my life. I decided to do this for me. It is the biggest gift I have ever given to myself.

I have supported us financially through our entire relationship but our manuals mixed together have born many unhealthy behaviors in me that I am starting to unravel through the Life Coach School.

The situation is that he is very “comfortable” in my house and is not actively looking for another place to live as fast as I would like. I feel like my needs are not being met. I feel frustrated, angry, resentful. That also leads me to be frustrated at myself for not enforcing my boundaries. Not even expressing one.

Me enforcing a boundary would be a new action in this relationship. It would be a surprise. I realize that I am escaping having to deal with this situation through doing massive amounts of thought work. The thought work is amazing and revealing, but I am not taking action.

I am understanding that the reason I don’t take action is because I have a deep seated belief that continues to run the show and was born when I was five and going through tremendous trauma and abuse. The belief is “I cannot speak up for myself”. I know a belief is just repeated thoughts. If I put it in a model. it looks like this:

C:A human in my house drinks alcohol.
T: I don’t want this behavior in my life any more
F: Anger, resentment
A: Hide by doing thought work compulsively, pick up extra shifts at work
R: Have more personal awareness but don’t take any action toward getting what I need for my own mental health.

If I ask myself why I think this thought, it looks like this:

C: A human in my house drinks alcohol
T: I can’t tolerate his behavior when he’s drunk
F: frustration, anger, resentment
A: Avoid the situation, stay busy, buffer
R: The circumstance does not change, I am still stuck


C: A human in my house drinks alcohol
T: He drinks, he blacks out, he’s mean to me, I don’t like it
F: victimized, powerless, frustrated, paralyzed
A: Escape through buffering, stay busy, Don’t speak my truth, expect him to be on the same self-growth path

Wow, the feelings line is exactly how I felt when I was five. Am I continuing to live that way? Making my results prove my thoughts and feelings? Why?

C: A human in my house drinks alcohol
T: When he blacks out, it reminds me of how I felt being abused as a child
F: Angry, upset, powerless
A: Explore this through thought work, reach out to Ask a Coach
R: To Be Determined…

Thank you for taking the time to respond. Am I on the right track? This is all very new, Thank you