I feel like I am missing a piece of understanding when it comes to relationships. If we are continually working on our intentional models, how do we determine the difference between changing our thinking to make a circumstance a better experience for ourselves and feeling like by using the intentional model we are always giving in to something that is important to us? It feels like there are many layers to this and I’m struggling to untangle them.

My story is that my husband was working at home on the weekend, he had a zoom call for an hour and I asked him to let me know when he was done and keep me updated with what he needed to do for work so I could manage our 3 children and their needs. Two hours later he hasn’t appeared so I go and find him still working after his zoom had finished. He said he got distracted and kept working once it finished. I have told him previously to please keep me updated so I can make plans for the family so that we are not sitting around waiting for him to be finished when we could be doing something else or if I need to plan ahead.

C: Husband does not tell me he finished his call.
T: I’m so annoyed that I have been waiting for you to finish
F: Frustrated
A: Get angry and have an unhappy exchange of words with him
R: Disconnected with husband

If I look at it intentionally:

C: Husband does not tell me he finished call:
T: You must be working so hard to forget.
F: Appreciative
A: Go about my day
R: Be present for my kids and meet their needs

If I am making this conscious choice to think this thought over and over again so that I stay connected with my family and don’t get angry and spiral into blame and further negativity, what about the thoughts that come up from making the intentional model.

What is the new circumstance/model when I make a positive thought choice about not to react, but by not reacting over and over again, my husband doesn’t ever realize the impact of him not keeping me updated with his work situation. The result of which is I could make other plans for the kids, I need to plan ahead for a busy time of the day when he would have been available to help me with the family which makes my life practically harder. It feels like I’m really just keeping the peace on one hand but by doing so makes my life so much harder practically. I hope this makes sense.