Burning Bridges

I find myself struggling to let go of resentment and blame. I’m expecting you to say “this is just a thought” haha. But I am observing myself blame myself a lot and other people a lot and am getting frustrated wanting to choose a better thought but continuing to let it fester.

Two recent examples:
1. The lady I am working for 30 hours a week overnight decided to make it 18 hours a week. I knew it was coming because I’m running out of things to do at her house, but I at least expected a week if not two week’s notice. I’m not sure why I expected that because she’s done things like this before. I allowed myself to feel the anxiety (I think) last night and cried about it because it felt awful even though a piece of me thinks in the long run its for the best. But I find myself ruminating and getting angrier and angrier at her for “doing that to me.” This serves no one and I know that, so I don’t want to continue doing it, yet I keep seeing my mind go back again and again. It’s triggering this desire to be passive aggressive with her and revengeful and I don’t want to be that person so it’s very much bothering me to feel this way. And then I’m also blaming myself for still being stuck where I’ve been swearing for years I’m quitting cleaning for people (yet I’m still here).

2. A guy I’ve been spending time with, I was a little snide and passive aggressive with recently because of some things he did that triggered thoughts (and painful feelings) in me. He kind of apologized, but I still found myself continuing to act this way and subconsciously (though I can observe it after the fact) push him away. Now he seems a bit further away than we have been recently and I’m blaming myself, finding it difficult to reach out and share this with him that I miss spending more time together. I told him I wanted to apologize next time I see him, but he hasn’t mentioned getting together and I feel weird continuing to be the person to make plans because I’m feeling needy and desperate. But of course, after some things I’ve said, why would he want to be near me? So I am blaming myself and mad at myself because I think I messed up a thing I was enjoying.

I recognize the thoughts causing these feelings.. I’m struggling to change them and believe something else. I want to feel better! I want it to be easy to let go and to forgive others and myself. I want to stop trying to control the universe!