Buying decorations


I feel terrible. I want to buy decorations for fall and halloween for my house, but I went shopping yesterday to three stores, and while I did feel creative, abundant, and self-expressive, I also felt icky, I would say my three main feelings are graspy, disappointed, desperate. I highly value the aesthetic in my home, I think decorating and being festive is so fun, but I also don’t have the money I want to buy the decorations I want. I barely have enough money to pay for health insurance and that feels like shit.

C: Halloween and fall decorations
T: I can’t get the things I want.
F: Desperate
A: Put smaller, cheaper, more inexpensive and basic decorative items in the grocery order so my boyfriend (who pays for the groceries and basic household stuff) pays for them, research extensively for cheap but nice and not cheapy looking decoration options, I pin a lot of stuff on pinterest based on my ideal house/vision of what I’d love my house to look and feel like, I go shopping at stores to look around, but 95% of the time talk myself out of actually buying anything whether I pay for it or I buy it with my boyfriend’s money, if I do buy it with bf’s money I always prepare a justification/reason I couldn’t pass it up, so that he doesn’t think I’m being frivolous/irresponsible with his money, I make lists of decorations I could buy for my house, like items I could buy seasonal versions of like hand towels and other versatile things, I tell myself it’s hard to pick out what I want, because I value minimalism and a simple aesthetic and quality items, but I have to somehow jump through hoops to afford those things I want, like I have high quality tastes, blame certain aspects of my house for being the reasons I can’t decorate as much/thoroughly as I want (like, the main walls we’d put stuff on have popcorn walls, but they’re painted, so we can’t easily remove the texture, because of the texture I can’t put nails or screws in the walls, because if we ever relocate the item I’m hanging up, you can’t just patch it, because the texture the original builders put on these walls in the 50’s is hard to replicate, so literally we have zero things hanging on the walls in the majority of our house because it’s basically permanent and this really pisses me off about this particular house that I don’t even like living in, and I’m afraid to bring this topic of repair about the house to my bf because it will open up a huge can of worms with him because he’s so stubborn about fixing or changing anything about this house)
R: I don’t have the decorations I want.

I recognize a majority of that a-line is a rant, but I’ll just leave it in even though it obviously has a bunch of different models in it

Would love some perspective. Thanks coaches!