C – Dad’s disease progression


Hello! My dad has had cancer for 13 years. He keeps beating the odds, however, it is an non-curable form of cancer that eventually seems to win. However, he is still here yet I have a) been grieving for 13 years; b) been panicking for 13 years; c)been projecting/catastrophizing for 13; and d) “doing” my way around this. My dad is one of my best friends, my parents are immigrants and I am an only child, so my thoughts about all of that plus the cancer cause me a lot of anguish and grief. Can you please help me with my model?

C – Doc said disease progression and scheduled second opinion for Wednesday.
T – (What if) he dies soon
F – anguish (stomach very tight with black color filling some of that space like thick, horizontal, uneven brush strokes on canvas; tight face, ear, jaw; tight throat with a color of red; tight chest; jittery)
A – I worry about him, I worry about my mom, I worry about me, I catastrophize and project future scenarios, I talk to friends about it immediately when I feel the anguish, I make calls to doctors, I ensure appointments are lined up, I advocate for my dad and my family, I insist on being present at appointment, I take my dad to appointment, I wake up in the middle of the night, I try convince myself and my parents that it will be okay saying that we are going to new doc for a new game plan, I search for hope.
R – ??? I create more grief and anguish for myself (??); I am not present (??)

Thank you