Can models also be used for positive things? The models I’ve seen and the ones I’ve written for myself have always been for something really bugging me that I want to work through. But today I have a different sort of model. About 18 years ago, my mom chose to go along with my mentally ill brother and basically cut all contact with the rest of her children.

It broke my heart because up until this point my mom was the most loving and supportive parent. I would never have believed that she could cut us off. My kids were young, and the strategy I adopted was to cement over that pain as fast as I could (which wasn’t all that fast) because I didn’t know how to deal with it.

Years later, through spending lots of time near the ocean and just becoming exhausted with the work of trying to keep things undercover, it all busted loose. The last few years have been hard. I tried therapy to try to find peace, and then found Brooke’s podcast and Scholars. It’s already helped me so much. Yesterday I was listening to the Self-Confidence podcast as part of the Self-Confidence learning path, and the phrase “self-confidence comes from being willing to feel any emotion” really stuck with me.

Yesterday evening I went to a massage therapist for the second time for a shoulder that’s been sore for months. The first session was very painful and very helpful. I was thrilled when she had a cancellation and could get me in again. I was a little apprehensive the second time because the first time really did hurt, but I wanted to get better so I told her to give it as much as she could and I’d tell her if it hurt too much.

So yesterday, I’m laying there waiting and I thought, “I’m willing to feel any pain that this brings.” And I just kept breathing through the times when she was really working on a muscle. If it started to really hurt, I’d just think it again. “I’m willing to accept any pain this brings.” Then she started massaging my trapezius muscles, the ones that go from the back of your neck to the top of your shoulders. (I had to google trapezius) and all of a sudden I just started to cry.

Just full-on tears running down my face and sobs. She stopped and asked if I was OK. I told her it didn’t hurt, that stuff was just breaking loose. So she just kept going, and I kept crying, and my new thought was, “I am willing to accept this emotion.” So I just cried until I stopped. When she was done, she just said, “Massage is healing” and didn’t make a fuss over it. So here’s my model:

C – Started to cry during a massage
T – I am going to accept any emotion that comes up from this
F – Peace
A – continued to cry, let emotions get rubbed away, didn’t try to stop whatever was coming up
R – Allowed myself to feel and heal

OK – I still feel like I’m lost on A and R and what to put. But I still am feeling so good today, so at peace and better. I love this program!