Can I really change?

…and even if I could, it’s too late. You’ll always be behind.

That’s why this months theme is so great. I’ve done every kind of intensive workshop–yoga retreats, week-long meditation, the Hoffman Process, Landmark, Tony Robbins, etc. I have read more self-help books that I can describe, rarely doing the exercises they always include Last night, I found an old journal and it’s a bummer to see I’m still struggling with the same shit as I was when I was 24.

My mother died when I was 19 and we were in conflict about my eating disorder at the time. I was anorexic in HS and gained 100 pounds in college. Most of my 20s was dedicated to working on that. It was all I could do to get through the day—heavy, heavy buffering.

I know I’ve come a long way. Like seriously if you would have told me when I was deep in daily binges and hardcore depression I would be where I am now I would have never never believed it. Still, I can’t shake the thought that because of a ‘lost’ decade and staying with a boyfriend I didn’t accept unconditionally or commit to for another 10 years I ‘missed’ the chance to have a normal relationship and children. I go between the thought ‘you have no one to blame but yourself’ and ‘it’s not fair/self pity’. I know if I keep looking back I’ll lose the decade I’m in now!

I have not yet sustained a daily practice. I can do intensives but I struggle with getting down to the business of day to day. My impossible goal for 2019 is 361 days of thought downloads and models. This seems kind of lame-like a should be doing it already- but trust me it also seems impossible. I always have a million habits I try to start and I never can keep them up past a few days. When I think about the compelling reason to do this it seems clear: unless I do something different I will not evolve the way I want to. But I always run up against thoughts that keep me stuck. Like: I shouldn’t have to do this–if things had been different I would be the kind of person who would commit and have discipline. It is crazy.

I want to get what I want and want what I have. I want to be at peace with where I am and how I got here. That seems impossible. Too often, I’m looking at what’s wrong around me and with me. I want to be excited about life. I can’t remember ever feeling joy and excitement about life. I’m 49 and I feel like I’ve wasted my best years. It’s very difficult for me to believe that everything that happened was ‘supposed to’ even though intellectually I know it was because it did. I still have a voice that says, ‘but no! if this had/hadn’t happened I’d be living the life I’m supposed to be living.’ Hope that makes sense. Sounds SO pity party as I re-read. Anyway–models below. (=

Unintentional model:

C: 361 days of TD and models
T: It’s too late, there’s something wrong with my mind and nothing I do will change anything, really. This is a pathetic goal anyway.
F: apathy, despair, anger
A: paralysis, laziness, no discipline–not doing ‘committed’ actions
R: nothing changes

I need help working on an intentional model.

C: 361 days of TD and models
T: What do I have to lose–why not prove I can do it? Who knows what will happen?
F: curiosity, compassion, motivation (kind of)
A: I do 361 days of TD and models
R: ??

Thank you!!