I’m brand new to SCS but have been doing the work through the podcast for two years. I’m so happy to be here.
I’ve constrained my focus to working on the difficulties in my marriage.
Without telling the whole story, I have ended up in an open marriage and my husband has an ongoing, serious relationship with another woman, and leaves us to spend a portion of his time with her each week. This isn’t the marriage or life that I want.
My question in can I really put ANYTHING in the R line and figure out how to create the actions, feelings and thoughts required to get there?
Even things that some people may claim are unrealistic or impossible or outside of my control?
I’ve been experimenting with this in the past, for example, I wanted the R line: My husband is an incredible father. Even though, how he acts as a father is outside of my control, I did successfully find the actions, feelings and thoughts that I would have if he was an incredible father, and the shift in me really truly changed him. He went from being disconnected with our son to beyond exceeding anything I could have imagined with his love and engaged and adoration now.
Another example, my husband moved out of our home two years ago, and I wanted the R line: My husband moves back home. I figured out the actions (very difficult conversations, setting a timeline, finding out the notice period, etc) that I/we would need to take, the feelings, the thoughts. I took massive action by continuing to have the needed conversations despite how difficult they were and how much emotion they brought up for me, and step by step (obstacle by obstacle) I/we got there, and seven months ago he moved back home.
In both of these cases, the result was related to him and what he would do, rather than to something completely in my own control. And he admits that he’s happy that I created the atmosphere and took the actions we needed to get there, he loves that he is now an incredible father and living at home and that he’s happy that I influenced those things.
When I look at so many R Lines, I wonder, don’t many of them have elements that are outside of our control or involve others? For example:
Or, R Line: I get accepted to my ideal Masters program (In the end, it’s up to the registrar, the university’s standards, how many places they have, it’s not MY final decision. By the way, I used the model and achieved this one earlier this year)
R Line: My mother and I have a close relationship (It’s about two people and their interaction, not just one)
Or, when Brooke’s R Line says: I will make $25 million this year (It’s not her money coming from HER pocket, she is influencing OTHER people to do something, to pay her money for something) I’m interested in that element of INFLUENCE.
But what about, R Line: I will live in outer space. Or, R Line: Everyone in the world likes me. Are some R Lines just completely bonkers?!
The R Line that I’ve been focused on creating over the past number of months is:
R: My husband and I are happy in our marriage, and he doesn’t need or want or have anyone else romantically in his life.
Usually, I’ve been able to figure out the actions, feelings and thoughts that will eventually, through time, effort and self discovery, bring me to the result… But while we’ve made some hugely positive strides, the letting go of the other woman isn’t happening yet. There have been moments when it seems like it’s beginning to shift, he is at home more, and he or she (the other woman) start to doubt the arrangement, but then their relationship revives. I am getting tired, sometimes impatient, and admittedly emotionally distressed.
Am wondering if I’ve put something too out of my control in the R Line? Can I really put ANYTHING I WANT in the R Line?
Part of me worries about asking this question, because I really don’t want you to tell me that I can’t achieve this one. (I’m secretly worried that someone will tell me to change the R Line to something more reasonable like ‘I accept the unconventional situation in my marriage as it is’ or ‘I have a great marriage with a great husband – and it doesn’t have to be this husband, I can get a new one’ – and neither of these is what I want).
There is obviously a much longer back story about how we ended up here, what I’ve achieved so far, what my current thoughts are and why I want this. I’m eager to do the work in SCS and to transform my marriage and my life.
So, can I really put ANYTHING I WANT in the R Line?