Last week, I was totally on my game. I started a new diet protocol, mapped out my new life plan to lose weight, launch my business, and more. Things were going great. However, after last Friday, things took a sudden turn and shifted. For the last week I have been experiencing a strange sense of darkness that seems to be casting a dark light over ***all of my other thoughts*** in various areas of life.
• I wake up anxious, a feeling which I carry with me all day.
• I feel impatient with myself and others and find myself snapping at my child.
• I’ve lost my drive to stay on protocol and commit to my exercise routines and schedules – even though they are all planned and mapped out.
• With regards to my work, I’m floundering in confusion about what I’m doing and confused about how to take the next step.
For each of these scenarios, I could come up with multiple models that make sense:
C – Wake up
T – I should exercise
F – Anxiety
A – Stay in bed or start working instead
R – Don’t exercise
C – Daughter comes in and asks for help
T – I wish she’d stop interrupting me
F – Anger
A – Snap at her, help anyway, feel regret, ashamed, sorry
R – Tear away at my relationship and bond with daughter
C – Building online course
T – I have no idea what I’m doing
F – Unsure about my ability to provide value (self-doubt)
A – Research my topic, make notes, write script, build workbook but still feel like it’s taking too long and I”m not getting anywhere
R – Lack of confidence about the work I AM doing
My intuition is telling me that, like a main artery feeds oxygen to all the smaller veins branching out, there is an UNDERLYING thought that is feeding ALL of these other branches and areas of my life. The underlying thought last week, was so bright and powerful that it nourished all other areas of my life (protocol, exercise, relationships, work).
I don’t know what that thought was but it was glorious. I felt like nothing could stop me. No hurdle was indomitable. No challenge too great. What was that thought? What happened to it? And what is the nasty, cantankerous thought that’s poisoning everything now? I’m having trouble finding it.
This is not uncommon for me. I have discovered that when my feelings are less intense, I have no problem finding the underlying thoughts. But then, there are times when something comes over all aspects of my life, like it has now. I make space, sit with my feelings, and write out models to figure it out, and I can’t find the thought.
I’d love some guidance on how to overcome this barrier and identify the thought my brain is draping over my mind. What I want most is to put those pants on again, the ones that make me feel so confident, ready, willing, and able — no matter what I have to face. I want that overarching thought that feeds all the other thoughts of the day…
Thank you for your love and support!