Car Accident Thoughts Follow Up


C: Images of car coming toward me at high rate of speed when I close my eyes
T: I could have died
F: disgusted
A: I add more details to the story, I ruminate on the morning about what could have been different, I evaluate my life, make up images of my family having to come find me in some stupid state, I resent my job, I play out worst case scenarios
R: I don’t live in my present life

What else could I think?

I could have died but I didn’t – that doesn’t feel great

This could be a wake up call – sort of feels true but not really

I guess I don’t really know another thought that I currently believe.

Maybe…

It makes complete sense that I still feel scared from that incident and that I don’t want to do the senseless driving and busy work that my job requires any more. That feels truer even though it’s more than one thought.

It makes complete sense that I still feel scared.

It makes complete sense that I don’t want to continue senselessly traveling all the time without meaning or purpose – this feels better.

I think ultimately I’m judging myself because what was I even doing? I wasn’t doing anything meaningful – I was in another state for work driving hours on end and going to an airport to go on vacation and I’m living in a crazy hectic way for WHAT? For what reason?

Ultimately that bothers me. That if I died it would have been for a senseless reason.

More to explore here. I’m open to any insights and will continue to post as I process.