I’ve completed a three-year program to become a master teacher. In my mind, I should be proud and overjoyed at this accomplishment. I should also feel confident and competent to discuss what I learned over the three years. I don’t feel any of that.
The reality is, during about half of the three years, I was going through an emotionally challenging situation with both a long-distance move and major marital problems. I barely completed my assignments. By just getting by, I didn’t truly invest the effort and time to allow the work to transform me in a substantial way. I’m not proud of my effort. I feel like a leaky vessel. There was a lot poured into me over the three years, but it all leaked out and I’m left with very little more than I began. My heart is heavy and my self-confidence feels shot. I also feel like I deserve to feel like this because it’s true that I didn’t do the real work of changing…but simply checked the boxes. My mind knows this is not entirely true, but it’s true enough and is a repeating pattern of being fragmented and a slacker.
I’d love some coaching on navigating this.
Here’s one of the models I put together.
C: I’ve completed my program
T: I didn’t put in the effort to do it well; I didn’t change much; I wasted this opportunity
F: Shame; disappointment; failure
A: hide from this program; don’t invest in continuing the relationships; avoid other opportunities to learn on these topics; hide from other programs to learn other things or receive other certifications
R: don’t grow; continue beating myself up