Hi Brooke, I’ve observed things about myself that are very interesting. I was out with my boyfriends’ friends this past weekend by myself for the first time. I’ll just say I get weird around some of this friends which afterwards I noticed right away. I sat down to do a thought download and here’s what came up: It bothers me how much I depend on others for approval. I feel like I am apologizing for who I am and what I want. I do not honor myself or my choices. I want to do things for others’ approval instead of my own. I don’t want to be a chameleon that changes from person to person to appease them. So I’m sitting there trying to tell myself that I am worthy even if they don’t think that about me. My mind immediately jumps to these thoughts “Well maybe if I had a better outfit on, maybe if I was a little bit thinner, maybe if I had a more interesting life…” I’ve TRIED all these things. I literally lost weight, changed my outfits, made sure to get braces so my teeth would be perfect, went on medication to get rid of my acne, and TRIED to be the perfect person. So much of me STILL wants to be that person but I’m realizing it’s not working. Every. single. time. it comes back to me and my thoughts about how I’m not good enough or I need to look to others for how to act because I don’t want to say or do something that is wrong (what is “wrong” anyway)? Then I feel totally insecure because I don’t even know who I want to be because I’m trying to please everyone else in my head.
Unfortunately, I’ve given them the power in my mind whether or not I’m worthy to date my boyfriend. I’ll have these thoughts going through my head when I’m with him and his friends or even his family – “You aren’t worthy to date him. You aren’t funny enough like he is. His friends could find a better girl for him than you. Why can’t you be more like the girls in his friend group? His family could find a better girl for him. They don’t like you, they are just letting you think that they do.”
It goes on and on… I look to other girls for guidance in a way because my mother wasn’t that for me but it’s turned into this nasty approval seeking, creepy, and overly needy thing.
How can I get rid of the chameleon I’ve become and find my color and just rock my color?? (Starts with my thoughts right?) Models to come soon!