How to Change “Scared” to “Love”…

I was in a relationship with my ex-wife from middle school until my early 30’s. We got divorced about 1 year after we had our daughter in our early 30’s – and that was about 14 years ago. The divorce was (a thought) “incredibly painful, scary, and drawn out”. Since then, I’ve been a combination of mad at – and scared of – my ex-wife. (Well, “scared of” first – and then “mad at” her because I don’t like being scared of her). We’re in regular contact with one another – and she makes regular requests of me. When I can comply, she’s happy. When I can’t, she’s not happy – and she lets me know it (and then I create the corresponding scared feelings from my thoughts about her words/actions). Which means I try to comply every chance I get – even when I shouldn’t or really can’t. I’m ready to clean this up.

Logically, I know she’s a human being – and I can logically see that she’s trying to get her needs met – just like I’m a human trying to get my needs met. But that still doesn’t take away the fear in my gut when I tell her “no” about something.

I’d honestly like to exchange my “fear” for “love”. I mentioned this on today’s model call – and the idea was to write out my current story about my ex-wife – since it’s more than just 1 thought. And then write a new story that supports a more positive, beneficial story. I’m also wondering if, along with the new story, I should look for evidence to support this new story (since I’ve only looked for evidence of the old story).

So my questions would be… Is this “Write a new story” process all I need to do – or do you have additional input as I work on this? And after I write my new story, what’s a good way to program it in? I can “like her” easily enough when we’re on good terms – but I’d like to figure out how to love her even when we’re not. Any advice would be mucho appreciated! Thanks! 🙂