This morning I was working on some thoughts of mine and one model I came up with was:

C- I haven’t completed my to-do list in days
T- I can’t motivate myself
F- depressed
A- buffer/feel bad for myself
R- accomplish nothing

I realized I have a lot of shame as to why I haven’t gotten anything done.. I got in a thought spiral ruminating about a circumstance and a guy over the weekend and it triggered a lot of my old suicidal thoughts, I’m not good enough, I’d rather be dead than feel this again, I just want to disappear, I hate myself, I can’t do this anymore, why do I fall for stupid men?, I don’t want to be alone, this sucks, this isn’t fair, what did I do wrong.. the list goes on.

Needless to say, I tried to change my model to something that would feel better and be more motivating and thought, what feeling am I trying to create by getting this to do list done? Accomplished. Because feeling accomplished makes me feel good about myself. And accomplishing something motivates me to accomplish more.

So I thought what do I need to think to feel accomplished? And I came up with “I’ve gotten so much done!!” But when I thought of that, my brain instantly threw out “No you haven’t. You sat in bed all weekend. You only cooked yesterday. You’re still wasting time thinking about this guy. You’ve done nothing.” So I am trying to be compassionate with myself and argue that I got so much done because I fought with suicidal thoughts this weekend and that’s not easy. I got so much done because I processed through something I perceive as difficult. My brain is not having it/believing it. When I try to think that I accomplished so much because I fought of stuff like that, I just don’t want to experience those feelings anymore. I think if I could just stop those feelings and wasting time, I could be further ahead by now. If I could stop wasting time with guys who don’t care about me, I would be so much farther ahead in my life.

I have a lot of self-judgement and I can see how many different thoughts are in this ONE question, so I feel overwhelmed by trying to manage my thoughts and choose better. I think I would have to be doing 100 models a day at the very least, which I don’t think I have time for. How do I build up better thoughts when my brain is so automatic towards all this negative stuff? I want to better my life and I don’t believe it’s possible…