Changing reasons

Hi there

I did some good work today. Was really hard. I even had a head ache after all this analizing. So thanks so much for reading through this and help me with that.

I’ve worked through all my doubts concerning my bf. And I know I can choose that he’s the love of my life regardless of his behavior. So powerful and so much love and joy!!

But then my brain has found something new to freak out from.

My brain was like but what about if the only reason you stay with him is because you are scared of breaking up, you are scared of the change, of being alone and not with him?

And because it scares me a little bit my brain almost convinced me that it’s the only reason and if it is I have to break up, because that’s not a valid reason.

So the thing that makes me anxious is that it feels like it’s not in my control. Like if I would have this reason it would mean I have to break up. It’s out of my control.

So my question is just to not get anxious all the time.

Can we change our reasons?

Like if I go to the place and ask myself is this the only reason?

And it if is yes, I would feel helpless and sad and that I have to break up.

So I only made it once and asked myself and the answer was that i stay with him because of reasons that I think he’s the best human ever and we have so much potential together and I don’t want this precious relationship gone.

Also I imagined myself being ok with breaking up, like if I wouldn’t be scared. If I would have the best life, I would feel the same worth as being in the relationship, I would have my own apartment. I only managed to do that once because I’m scared of the answer. I’m scared it will define my relationship.

But the one time I did it I decided even if I wasn’t scared I would stay with him.

But I think what makes me anxious is really being out of control of the reason. So let’s say it would be the only reason I would stay with him.
than I have to break up. And I don’t want to break up just because of this stupid reason.

Can you help me with that?

I always get anxious when I think it’s out of my control. But not concerning external things but more my own behavior / thinking.

When I don’t have any control over that.
Like: oh fuck, now i have to give in. I have to break up, because this is your reason. I feel helpless, anxious because if my brain chooses this reason i fucked.

It seems that my brain is always looking for when the time has come that I have to “give in” to my thoughts and feelings.

Thanks so much for taking your time to read this and help me.