Chasing Rainbows

Feeling the feelings. With the help of this school, and a mental health therapist, I am in the part of this program of learning to process the feels.
On my coach calls, we process the painful feelings, which mostly involves lots of tears and snot and me forcing myself to try and love myself through it.

I have a story. It is a childhood trauma story that makes me sad and triggers massive panic and distraughtness when I think about it. My story also includes a history of disassociating, substance abuse, overeating, smoking, about the only thing I DON’T buffer with is gambling. Through this program, and by doing a ton of models, I had the awareness that my “story” was involved in every struggle that I have experienced. I “saw” that I was reproducing the feelings of a frightened, victimized, powerless child and was manifesting those feelings over and over. The realization I felt cannot be described in any other words than highly spiritual. All my models proved it, it was right there in my journal pages.

At this point in my journey, I feel hope. If it is true that our thoughts create our feelings, then I decided that I have to change the story that I have carried with me my entire life. I recently heard a SCS coach class replay and “heard” the message… how can I be the HERO of my story, not the VICTIM? Mind blown. I decided to rewrite my story. I found truth that I was the survivor, the protector of other children, the strong one that everyone depended on and that I was now going to HERO up every thought about my story. At first, this sounds kinda phony, but as I practice, it is becoming more and more real to me.

A couple of days ago, I went to a property on Whidbey Island, WA that has a ginormous, beautiful labyrinth. I wrote my intentions on a piece of paper, that I was going to release my trauma to the Universe with love. That I believed I was 100% loveable and worthy. I got to the labyrinth alone. I began to walk, I thought of myself as a little girl, I usually would not be able to tolerate the PTSD feelings, but I soldiered on. I started to cry. I did what I had learned in this program. I described my feelings. Usually it is shame, shame, shame. Deep, blackness in my chest and it hurts! But, this day, I decided to just feel what came up, I was crying hard, but not hysterical. I continued to walk the labyrinth. It hurt, oh, did it hurt. But then I realized, my feeling was different. This wasn’t shame, this was GRIEF! Sadness, grief, grief for a child who’s childhood was taken from her. Grief and sadness washed over my body in waves. I allowed it. I felt it. I reminded myself that it was safe. I knew I would be ok.

In the center of the labyrinth is a circle where people have placed totems, or burned candles, or something ritualistic that is important to them. I placed my letter of intention inside the circle. I was going to burn it, but I forgot my lighter. It was raining, as it does in the Pacific Northwest. It was raining and my eyes continued to rain tears of grief and sadness. I grieved that child, I felt that pain. I remembered that I could be the hero of that story and that my adult self could carry on as the hero with love and compassion for myself. I started to exit the labyrinth.

As I was walking, snot dripping from my nose, I looked to the sky, I asked whatever power there is in the Universe… PLEASE HELP ME! Two women entered the labyrinth at the entrance. I welcomed them in, but said something like, I’m an emotional wreck right now. As they walked, our paths met, these two women, total strangers in a pandemic, reached out to hug me. I felt the warmth of their hug in the cold rain. I continued on. My sobs were slowing, my eyes were drying, occasionally a wave of grief would begin but I would gently say to myself that all was going to be ok, it was all going to be ok.

I got to my car, as I am driving away, the rain stopped, what came into my view was a vivid double rainbow. A rainbow!!! Can you believe it? Right in front of me when I most needed it. It is my own symbol of unconditional love and a message of hope that everything will be ok. I stopped to stare and took some pictures until it faded away. The moment was unreal. I am always looking for rainbows. I am always chasing rainbows. The rest of the day was filled with music, dance classes, art, things that bring me joy. I let my little girl out to play and have fun because she never got the chance. It was a joyful and fun day.

C: A rainbow appeared in the sky
T: Everything is going to be ok
F: gratitude
A: self-care, fun activities, acceptance of myself
R: A life to love, not to hide

If you have gotten this far, thank you for reading oh anonymous Coach (whoever you are). I always get the most amazing answers to my questions in this forum. I know that you must remain anonymous and impartial, I just wanted to share my journey with someone who might “get it”. Who might understand what I am going through in this process. The process of learning to feel. The process of forever chasing rainbows. Have a beautiful day.