Checking in with myself

So twice a day I check in with myself and I also write down thoughts when the pop up.
and omg, I’m so much frustrated and negative all the long!!! Unbelievable. hahaha

Also I noticed that I have sometimes these thoughts about my relationship crossing my mind which lead to suffering:
I imagine how great my bf is and then my thoughts tell me to take to read to imagine how he is perfect but I just can’t love him. because everything is perfect but something is missing etc.
You know how sometimes you imagine yourself getting married or moving in together like sweet stuff ( I have that too).
But as we had a rough patch once. He was so insecure and was needy. I developed these thinking patterns in which I think he is awesome but not just for me. I imagine how I break up with him and I’m really sorry about it but I just don’t feel the love that why I have to break up. And it feels so powerless.
I’m soo soo scared that this thinking will lead my to do some things or that I’m forced to do that.
Or that I will have to live forever with these hurtful, doubtful thoughts.

It has gotten better. I have it a lot when I don’t see him but when I’m with him again and don’t believe my thoughts or try to think positive things it works a lot.
but lots of time we meet and I’m little bit distracted because i’m still struggling with the thoughts about him.

Thanks so much for the help!