When my mother was pregnant, she was rapped every Friday by a guru that my dad and her were working with in a therapy group. My father knew and was also sleeping with his own client. This kept happening until I was 6.
I always saw her until now fighting with depression and boundaries with my father. She had a hard childhood. There was a lot of rape and apparently she has always been depressed.
I was always afraid of my father as a child and I still don’t really know if things like sexual abuses happened. My sister and I have always had the feeling of being raped by my father—even if it was only emotionally. He was a therapist and he was asked us to tell him our most intimate things. As a child, we didn’t put boundaries and realized only after that everything was very strange.
My sister and I have grown up with lot of confusion inside. I was changed schools three time because I had been harassed in two schools. There was a lot of violence, but my parents didn’t defend me. We were raped by some guys and the same thing happened. They never really interfered, as if everything was very “Yes, that’s life. People hurt us. »
Now, when I ask my father to get rid of the books of the guru who raped my mother, he doesn’t want to because he still admires him.
I don’t see them often and I don’t think a lot about it, but as I am in Scholars, I realize that I feel sad most of the time and injustice like anger. I’m beginning to understand that I have felt this sadness for such a long time that I find it so hard to let go of being attached to my story. It’s as if nobody has been punished and deep down I don’t like my reason for never having put any boundaries around him.
With all of that said, I think I would like not to see him anymore because the book is still in his house, for example. My reason would be that my inner child feel safe and defended. I do like my reason. But I don’t really feel the right to do this. I always think that forgiveness is the best. But I would like to be able to give justice to my inner child. But am I giving him too much power? I have like a scream inside that justice has not been done. After years of working on myself and always trying to forgive and feel better, the scream is still there. I don’t like the result I create when I decide to forgive and accept everything as it was. I end up feeling disconnected, sad, disempowered.
The traumatize part in me blocks of certain memories. It’s a topic that I have hard time to really understand with the self coaching.
Thanks a lot for the help.