I randomly googled my childhood bestie today who I haven’t spoken to in 20 years to find that she is a life coach running a business. She looks successful. I feel like I got punched in the stomach – I’m so jealous. I have more education than her and I know that I’m equally as smart as her – there is no reason that I couldn’t do what she’s doing. I’ve been struggling to find the courage (which, I know is something I create with my brain) for several years, so seeing her living out my dream is really gut wrenching.
I did a thought download and I think there are two main things happening.
First – there’s the feeling of jealous.
Second – there’s the feeling of I guess ‘resistance’, for a couple of reasons. I think this is important to explore.
The jealousy is more straightforward, so I think I might leave that alone for right now.
But the resistant feeling is because she is a business coach. She’s helping online coaches and entrepreneurs scale their businesses using systems. First, I don’t want to do that. But also, I feel like I’m not clear enough on what I want to do. It’s like I’m waiting to get really clear on what I want to do before I’ll make a move. I have the belief that you can only make money as a business or weight loss coach. I have many ideas of what I want to do, but nothing is clear enough. I feel like I can’t really nail down exactly what I want to do, so I don’t have a niche, I don’t have messaging, I have nothing because I fail to take any steps. So “you can only make money as a business or weight loss coach” is the belief I have to work on. It feels so true to me, but maybe it’s not. I also have the belief “I need a clear niche to go all in”. Then there’s also the belief that “wtf is wrong with me for not having done this already.”
C – Childhood bestie has coaching business
T – I can’t believe I just took a new job and will delay my dreams and life another year
F – Despondent, defeated, so disappointed in myself
A – I talk to my sister, I consider not buying the real estate investment I’m almost closed on, I write models, I ruminate about the situation, I don’t do any work, I spin around in my head with more thoughts about how I’m disappointed in myself, I think I dig myself into a deeper hole, I fail to consider how I might be able to not delay my life and dreams even though I still have this job. I fail to see how my life and dreams might actually be expanded by this job.
R – I fail to take action that might allow me to live my dreams and life without waiting another year.
I guess I have the predominant feeling of being trapped. I’m so tired of waiting ‘one more year’ or whatever, it feels like it’s killing me. Maybe I should do a model on that?
C – Financially obligated to stay in new job for one year
T – I am so tired of waiting one more year to create my dreams
F – Trapped / hopeless / frustrated
A – ?
R – ?
Ugh, I don’t even know. Honestly, I was feeling fine about this one more year thing until I saw that my friend was a coach. I can’t identify the specific thought that changed that sent me down this spiral. I saw her website and work, and just felt like, WHAT AM I WAITING FOR???? The answer to that question is that I’m waiting to feel financially secure enough. Which is why I took the new high-paying job, which is why I’m buying an investment property, which is why I’ve committed to “one more year” land. So, those are my reasons. I guess on one hand I like my reasons, but on the other hand, I see other people doing this WITHOUT financial security, and then I really second guess my reasons.
I’m not sure where to go with this, but yeah, I’m spinning pretty hard right now.