I recently learned that my husband has been having multiple affairs for most of our marriage. He has done a full disclosure and is now in recovery for sex addiction. I’ve decided to stay in the marriage (for now) to see if his recovery sticks. I’m in a support group for spouses of sex addicts. My challenge is dealing with the fact that he lied about so much during our marriage. Where he was, what he was doing, etc. Before I knew about his acting out, when he was defensive, distracted, or disrespectful to me, I would always rationalize it away, saying to myself “he’s just having a bad day” or “his work is really stressful right now.” These “rationalizations” sound a lot like the alternative thoughts the are often used in the T line of the model. How do you choose a different thought about another person when you don’t trust that the person is being honest with you? I feel tremendous grief. Where does this fit into the model.

Here are some models I’ve tried.

Unhelpful:
C: Husband lied about his sexual activity
T: He can’t be trusted
F: Betrayed, deceived, angry
A: Lash out
R: He lashes back/can’t see the damage he’s done.

Possibly better:
C: Husband lied about his sexual activity
T: Sex addiction is a massive thought error. It happens to lots of humans. It must have been really terrible for him.
F: Compassion (through gritted teeth)
A: Not lash out at him or expect empathy from him; do my own recover work
R: Better relationship with myself/better ability to have my own back no matter what he does

I’m stuck and need help. Thoughts?