Christmas present buying anxiety

C: Buying Christmas presents for the people on my list
T: I need to buy the perfect gifts
F: Inadequate, pressure, anxiety
A: Stress myself out by accepting nothing less than perfection
• Overspend past my budget
• Do mental chess in my head thinking about what this gift, the person’s C, will make them think, and therefore what they’ll think about me that I gave them this gift and how much I spent on it, then making their thoughts mean something about me and my worthiness as a human
• Use the values I filter my purchasing decisions through on a normal basis (make it not cluttery looking, an actually functioning item, that they’ll actually use, that’s also simultaneously beautiful, I value versatility, aesthetic, and minimalism, but those three things make shopping for me very difficult, let alone trying to shop for another person with these values, this one I’m for sure dropping after realizing that I do this)
• Compare my gift to the gift the other person is getting me – like my sister. I may spend $30 on her gift, but she may want to spend $50 or even $100 on my gift, I feel pressure to try to match that or at least spend at least 75% of what they’re spending on me, “so it’s fair”
• I tie my worthiness to how much they like tie gift and how much I spent on it
• I resent and resist the tightness of my budget for Christmas gifts, with I had luxurious amounts of money to spend on Christmas, tell myself if I had more money to spend it wouldn’t be this hard or stressful
• Try to start shopping as soon as possible, get everything bought in advance way far ahead, (because I need lots of time for perfection obviously)
• Try to force my boyfriend to shop sooner than his typical week-before shopping, which stresses me the F out, I try to control and change him which usually comes out as me being a controlling demanding shrill person who isn’t any fun to be around, then I blame him for my last minute stress because I’m usually trying to take responsibility for his gifts and take over and do it for him (and no wonder I’m stressed)
R: I stress myself out. (By aiming for perfection which is unattainable, taking over other people’s responsibilities, overthinking, overanalyzing, etc.)

I want….
• To detach my worthiness from the gift I buy someone and how much I spent on it
• To not make whether or not someone likes the gift or not mean something about me
• To get gifts for people that they’ll like and might actually appreciate and use, without stressing myself out, bending over backwards, or overthinking about what they might think about it
• To get to B- level gift giving as fast as possible, accept that as sufficient, then relax after that, and only continue working from a b- up only if I want to
• To not add the extra stress on gift giving, I don’t necessarily think I’ll completely avoid any level of extra stress/work, like there’s a certain level of work attached to gift giving, but I’m resisting the difficulty so much that I want it to be easy and not hard at all, but then it swings in the opposite direction and I make myself crazy, like I just want it to be what it is
• To feel certain about the gifts I give, not stressed, anxious, WORRYING about when they open it, god that’s exhausting, I just want to decide and get it and just let it be
• To decide on, buy, and have everything in to wrap it and everything I’m responsible for getting is wrapped and under the tree by Sunday, December 5th, because the week after that we’re leaving on a trip and I don’t want to be stressing and worrying during the trip, and if I want until after the trip to wrap everything, it’s getting too close to time and I just don’t wanna do that