I cleaned alot of clutter from my place ! I didn’t realize I had any clutter until I looked around and started asking questions – How did that get there ? When was the last time I wore that? Can someone else benefit from this ? Why is it still here ? How old is it?  After answering these questions I realized how much money scarcity I have and why I’ve been confused about who I am.  A lot of the clothes were really old, haven’t been worn in a while,  and I don’t recall when I last purchased something new. I’m very frugal when it comes to purchasing clothes since one top or bottom is pretty expensive. Because I held onto the old clothes due to not wanting to spend money for new ones, I didn’t purchase clothes representing the person I want to be.

I also threw away all my paints and art supplies I don’t even use anymore. I didn’t realize how unusable the paint was until I was painting with a friend who told me some of the paints were pretty globby and dry. I asked myself why I didn’t buy any new paints and again it came to the cost of the paint being too high. I want to grow and be a person who can have art supplies to express the person I want to be.
I then looked through the drawer I had in the kitchen , the nightstand and bookshelf in the living room, and the closet in the hallway. I took everything out and realized that the majority of the things were handed to me by my parents, haven’t been used in a long time (years) or used to be my sister’s. Instead of creating my own identity with items that I currently like or use, I was taking on the identity of my parents and sister through the items they have given me and staying comfortable by not purchasing new things that represent the person I want to be.

All in all I’m happy to have realized how I’ve accumulated this clutter slowly that doesn’t serve me. This is a problem since by not letting the clutter go, I’m holding onto my old identity that has money scarcity and overreliance on others. I read somewhere that our brains are able to notice problems that occur right now but not when a problem slowly grows overtime. How can I be more aware of these slow growing problems like clutter going forward?  How can I release the feeling of shame in my unintentional models?

UM:
C: 6 trash bags of items from apartment I threw away
T: I didn’t realize how many things I’ve held onto that I’ve rarely used
F: Shame
A: I buffered with food. Beat myself up with words. I don’t eat lunch. Didn’t take any breaks.
R: I don’t purchase new things that I’ll use

UM
C: items on floor that I didn’t purchase
T: I didn’t realize how many items I didn’t purchase
F: shame
A: didn’t take a break, beat myself up with words, didn’t eat lunch
R: Allowed items I didn’t purchase to occupy space in my apartment