I know this program is called SELF coaching scholars and not BROTHER coaching scholars. But when my brother called me and wanted talk for an hour about why it’s our parents fault that he’s so unhappy I made the decision that I wasn’t going to just be a sounding board anymore. I did some thought work on myself first. I accepted that he may not listen to a word I say and that would be ok. I wasn’t hanging my emotions on his ability or willingness to use the model but I was going to volunteer the information I had. The first step was to set a boundary with him because he can sometimes become abusive towards me. So when he started talking to me in a certain way over the phone I said ‘I don’t want to talk to you when you talk to me like that’ and I hung up the phone. I then called him back and apologised for hanging up, told him that I loved him, but I wasn’t willing to talk to him when he spoke unkindly to me. I was astonished- he started to behave! (It was like disciplining a dog) and I was so proud of myself for setting that boundary for the first time.
The next day he called again and I usually just listen to him rant for an hour about how much he hates our parents. But this time I said ‘ I can see you are feeling really angry and this is affecting your whole life. If you want I can show you some tools that have really helped me to feel better. Would you like me to share them with you?’ His response was ‘do you promise it’s not Scientology?’
So I proceeded to tell him only about the concept of emotional adulthood and emotional childhood. And I was ready at any time to stop at any minute if he wasn’t open to to the idea. End of story is that I think I planted the seed if him that he can’t change his childhood but he can change how he feels. The most important lesson for me though was the ability to offer this work without letting the outcome affect my feelings. In other words it’s not my job or my responsibility to fix any member of my family. I will love them whether they listen to me or not.