Coaching on Guilt


My little sister is in escalating debt and does not have enough money to pay bills. Creditors are after her. She cashed out money from her 401K and apparently spent it all on a new boyfriend, some presents and tools to “start a new business”. She did not use it to pay any of her bills. Her now ex-boyfriend reportedly became physically abusive and we are now finding out he is an ex-felon and drug dealer. He is supposed to get a settlement and says he will pay her back. No one in the family believes that and they think she should cut her losses and stay away from him. I am the only one in actual contact with my sister because she won’t return calls or texts (likely because she’s embarrassed but she also has social phobia.) I see her because I drive to her work or her house and “surprise her”. That’s when we have high-quality time together and I sort of force my way into her life.

Here is my model:

C: Little sister has multiple accounts in collection and said: “Planning to have XX move in so he can save money to pay me back and I can get money when he gets settlement,” Older sister texts me “That is a terrible idea.” “Did you see the above text.”
T: “Ughhhhhh. She wants me to talk to [little sister] and convince her not to have Ex move in, I can’t control [little sister] and now I am caught in the middle. I can’t deal with her [older sister] right now.”
F: Guilt
A:
– Don’t text her back
– Don’t call her
– Eat more sugar and flour
– Tell my husband about it and get defensive when he says: “Why can’t you just call her and tell her you don’t want to talk about your sister?” When I say: “She’ll just yell “Fine” and hang up”. He says: “Good, you’ll get what you want.” I say: “No, that will just make me feel more guilty.”
– Tell my husband: “They’re judging me because I haven’t tried to make [little sister] stay away from her ex, but I can’t make her do anything. I’m trying to support her and help her see other options available to her.” Husband says: “How do you know they’re judging you?”
– Ruminate
– Imagine her getting mad, staring at her phone, talking about me to her daughter/my niece
– Create different stories that I can tell her about why I was busy and couldn’t text/call her
– Don’t go on Facebook Group I created for my Coaching Business and post because she is on there and I don’t want her to see that I am actually free.
R: I don’t deal with the problem so it is still there. I avoid short-term discomfort, but create long-term discomfort. Or I don’t deal with me – i.e. Why is guilt my go-to emotion?

C: Little sister has multiple accounts in collection and said: “Planning to have XX move in so he can save money to pay me back and I can get money when he gets settlement.” Older sister texts me: “That is a terrible idea. Did you see the above text?”
T: “[Older sister] is trying to keep [little sister safe].”
F: Love
A:
– Text [older sister] update that Ex is moving somewhere else
– Text [older sister] “I can’t control [little sister] but am like you, am trying to support her, give her love and help her see her options.”
– Coach little sister on mindset (she is open to this) – money mindset, shame mindset, future mindset
– Self-coach me on MY mindset
– Get Coaching from SCS on Guilt and People Pleasing
– Coach myself and get coaching on Bufferring
– Do thought down load – remind myself that no one can “make me feel” guilty – my thoughts control my feelings
– Appreciate my husband for reminding me “No one can make me feel judged – that is me judging myself”.
– Remind myself: “Everyone is just doing the best they can.”
R: My thoughts produce the feeling of love – for my sisters, my husband and myself