Hi again!
So, below I took another stab at this. I have to figure this out for myself!
C- Ex husband tells me what to do and communicates around his questions but he does not communicate around my questions. (this is a fact that we can agree on – not just a thought. I have the texts to prove this).
T- It isn’t fair or right that I always answer his questions respectfully but he ignores me and does what he wants. Our marriage was riddled with double standard and our divorce is too.
F- Disrespected
A- I act angry and resentful
R – I spin out on how uneven and unfair the relationship is – even in divorce.
I want to make this better.
C- Ex husband tells me what to do and communicates around his questions but he does not communicate around my questions. (this is a fact that we can agree on – not just a thought. I have the texts to prove this).
T- This is just how he is and I need accept this.
A- Do the things I need to do (for my kids – not for him).
R- More peace than we have now.
I want to comply because I have several reasons really and some I like and some I do not.
I want to comply because;
1) It is better for the kids. (I like this reason)
2) If I don’t comply he tortures me in different ways, he gets very revengeful and gets even meaner than he already is.
3) I have this fantasy that if I am good to him then he will be good to me. This is partly, sort of true in a sad pathetic way. Like I said, if I don’t comply he will punish me in some way.
I know how I WANT to be as mother and ex wife but being that person is so much more challenging than I ever thought possible. The pain is so intense. I try and feel the pain and I do feel it but it doesn’t seem to process all the way through. I can seem to get part way some days but I never seem to get all the way through and out the other side to any real freedom.
What is in my power that I am not utilizing?
Mmmmh, that is a good question. I am wondering if it is shear will power?
Like how Brooke made the decision not to speak badly about her body and just got super strict with herself.
I try and get strict. I hold it in and hold it in. Like I am holding hot lava inside and then I can’t hold it anymore and it comes pouring out. Then I am filled with shame that I am not strong enough, not emotionally mature enough to evolve through this. Ugh! This is so hard!
I want to be better than this.
Thank you.
