Hi there! I have a situation that has presented itself and I need help on if I am approaching it from the right emotion. I was friends with S for several years. Then last year she just stopped talking to me. Being away from the friendship I realized that as much as I wanted to be there for her and help her and enjoy her company; I realized she was someone who required a lot of attention and emotional support. When I would talk with her I was constantly helping her with all of her relationships, her ex, her kids, her family. I noticed that the conversations revolved around her drama. Real or not, it seemed there was always something that she needed my advice on. What is weird is I realized that I was afraid of her. I think because of her emotions and how unstable they had been. I feared making her upset not knowing what she would say about me to others. (I have been working a lot on not letting other people’s opinions of me keep me from being my true self.) Anyway recently there was a situation where my daughter inadvertently offended her daughter. I received a text from her saying how upset she was and that she was contacting her attorney. I responded with letting her know that I had spoken to my daughter and that the situation had been rectified. She responded telling me that it was not good enough and that her daughter was a victim. I really didn’t know where to go from there since I felt that anything I said would have been taken as the wrong thing or a means for her to want to continue an argument that I felt was over. She then proceeded to email me a very long email telling me things that were vague and accusing me, my kids, and my managers of wrong doing, bullying, and hating her. (She was employed at my business at one point in time.) Finally, I responded to her. I apologized that she felt so wronged. I tried to respond with my perspective on her accusations in a loving and understanding way. This only turned in to her telling me more things that she thought was wrong with me, my kids, my business, etc. My last response to her was me just responding that I no longer desired to converse. She came back wanting to meet in person and being able to “hash it out” since she felt that I was not agreeing with her. I honestly do not want to have any more conversations with her. As much as I care for her I’m not willing to put myself in a position for more accusations. Nothing she has told me has been actual concrete information, I can’t get any facts. Her sentences start with “people have told me” and “people feel that you…” I had asked her to give me some concrete information that we could specifically address. That didn’t happened. I feel that meeting face to face would only lead to her creating more drama and more gossip none of which my interaction with her at this time will diffuse. She certainly can do that without my participation so I’d rather just keep the interaction I have had with her at the limited stage it has been.
I did two models on the situation:
C – S wants to talk face to face
T – She has said so many hurtful things that are not true and has gossiped about me I don’t want anything to do with her drama anymore.
F – Betrayed
A – Ignore her and make it a problem in my mind.
R – I continue to think about what she has said and turn myself into a victim and let her words control my feelings.
C – S wants to have a face to face
T – I am not interested in hearing any more vague accusations.
F – Strong
A – I don’t converse with her at this time.
R – I have stood by a boundary I set without feeling that she deserves her face to face more than I deserve my own peace. What she decides to do with it is entirely up to her.
I guess my other thought is, since I still do not wish to have a face to face with her, should I even tell her?
If I did a model with sending her one last response it would be:
C – S wants to have a face to face.
T – I am not interested in anymore vague accusations.
F – Strong
A – I send a response to her last request letting her know that I have addressed things to the best of my ability and that I wish her well but that another conversation is not possible.
R – I have stood by a boundary I set without feeling that she deserves her face to face more than I deserve my own peace. She may even try to communicate again. What she decides to do with it is entirely up to her.
I have this strong desire of giving others the courtesy of communication. Which can draw me in to way more conversation than is needed or desired. It also leaves me feeling that I have said too much or have given someone else too much attention and focus. I guess I am wondering if actually responding to her or not is really something I should think about.