Communication with husband


Hi coaches. I want to work on accepting my husband as he is, and not as I’d like him to be, but I sometimes struggle with certain traits of his. There is a particular argument we seem to have repeatedly. It’s when I perceive him as negativistic, spoiling our time together, accusing me (usually it’s a quick complaint about something), and then I go on and on to try and ‘show him’ why he’s ‘being mean’ but he just doesn’t get it normally & gets even more stuck. I’m somewhat ashamed of these arguments and want to move them on as we otherwise have a good marriage, but there’s a stuckness there. As you may imagine, sometimes these ‘stuck’ arguments start from petty things!

Here are my models after an argument we had yesterday. It’s a good example of how we get stuck. I particularly want to work on thoughts I can believe that will lead to acceptance.

Model on Unintentional Thought 1
C: Husband yesterday made comments about me choosing movies and he not getting his choices
T: he is mean, what he says isn’t true, he constantly refuses movies I want to see too
F: fury
A: shout
explain to him things repeatedly, go in circles
demand apologies & explanations
have negative thoughts about myself
R: limit my ability to communicate with husband.

Model on Unintentional Thought 2
C: Husband yesterday made comments about me choosing movies and he not getting his choices
T: he spoils our free time together, I work so hard and want to rest!
F: upset
A: repeatedly explain to him why what he is doing is wrong, go in circles
sometimes cry
tell myself I’m the victim & my ‘quiet time’ is being spoiled by someone else
argue & shout
R: I spoil our time together even further

Model on Unintentional Thought 3
C: Husband yesterday made comments about me choosing movies and he not getting his choices
T: he doesn’t budge
F: fury
A: shout
go in circles
push him through my words
argue for 2 hours to try and convince him
R: I don’t budge and I remain stuck in an argument

Model on Intentional Thought
C: Husband yesterday made comments about me choosing movies and he not getting his choices
T: I am curious how I can let his words not impact me (???) [I want to work on further thoughts that I can believe]
F: acceptance
A: don’t react to his words
watch a movie
listen to him
????
R: I communicate effectively with husband