Conflicting Desires

I keep struggling with some conflicting desires and struggle to trust my gut. I have a guy friend that I didn’t have romantic feelings for before, but it seems to have changed. But I’m mad at myself for having romantic feelings and telling myself he’s a distraction, he’s no good for me, he’s bad news. But then I find myself wondering if I am saying all these things because I am afraid because of his past and my past and am pushing away something that could be good.

I have a desire to turn my life around and work on myself and work towards finding an online income so I can travel the world, but my travel-the-world dream has always involved a partner. Sometimes I think I work too hard and bury my desire. Other times, I think I am too easily distracted and I get stuck in confusion a lot. I know that’s an indulgent emotion, but I feel very torn between sharing with this person that I am interested and hiding it because I don’t want to date him. But I also feel like if he were to make a move on me, I wouldn’t be able to resist. And the idea of that exhilarates me and terrifies me and I end up thinking I can’t trust myself to be around him. Because one part of me thinks I am interested in seeing where we go and another part is like RED FLAG SHUT IT DOWN DON’T LIKE HIM. (but I don’t always trust myself on that either because sometimes I think I could find a red flag in ANY guy). I hope I’m making sense. How do I make a decision and STICK to it?