Conflicting thoughts

I notice that I have conflicting thoughts about having only one child. On the one hand, I love the ease and simplicity of having just one. On the other hand, I wish I had the mental, physical and emotional capacity to have another one so my son has the sibling he longs for.

There isn’t enough love between my husband and I right now and my body could barely carry and birth my son, it was really difficult and I really don’t want to go through that again.

I recognize that I get to choose what to think and feel and have been processing my emotions about this for a couple of years now.

But today for example, I was overwhelmed with grief and wonder if I will ever feel better about this or if there is more for me to uncover and process.