Conflictual Parent-Teen Relationship


I’m finding myself triggered a majority of time with my oldest. I am aware that if a child/teen (15yrs) is back talking a lot and constantly starting a power struggle it’s generally because they feel there is little that they can control. With that said, my observations are:

-Conflict always arises when it’s time for him to responsibly clean up after himself or do his chores when he’s supposed to do them (not at midnight while he plays Alexa with music I can’t stand in the kitchen when all are in bed).

The expectations are clear and for the most part consistent and he rebels and then a downward spiral ensues. Arguing , back talk , attitude, and I am in reactive mode, despite knowing that I should be in control of my thoughts and emotions.

I feel like– “How can this work when he won’t listen?” and “We are always giving out consequences and frankly I’m fed up, to the sad point that I feel triggered anytime he gets near me, because he is constantly antagonizing me with his immature and disrespectful behavior.”   Not to mention I have a little one and another 13yr old in the house mimicking his behavior to make it worse. Here’s an example of one of my unintentional models:

C- He is caught playing video games all loud when he’s not allowed to.
T- Again for the millionth time he is disobeying me. He doesn’t respect our rules and particularly me.
F- Angry
A- I’m triggered, I’m reactive, I yell, and argue back with him, give him a consequence.
R- Crazy Cycle. Disconnected relationship with my son.
Honestly I don’t even know where to go with my intentional model. I feel like I know how to do it but feel like I’m lying to myself if I say I’ll tell myself to think another thought and that will fix me from getting triggered by his relentless behaviors.
Please help.