I met someone a year and a half ago, we are both in relationships. We became very close and would message all the time. I also saw this person as a best friend.
Nothing physical ever happened.

We didn’t really talk during lockdown which I found hard. For him it seems to be that if I am out of sight, I am then out of mind. We used to be at the same place in the mornings every weekday. Since lockdown he’s been back twice. it was great to see each other on those occasions. We were going to be there the same time the following week but he said he got his dates mixed up. I was fine about it. We talked over message and it was all good. We haven’t seen each other since and that was 2 months ago.

I just don’t understand why we’ve stopped talking. I know the relationship is so bad for me so I have resisted messaging him, but I am so so tired of wondering why we haven’t spoken and wondering what he’s thinking. Then I think I feel like I may as well go ahead and betray myself by communicating with him because thinking about him and the situation all the time feels awful anyway so what difference does it make.

We drove past each other the other day and he gave a nonchalant two-finger wave and it felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.
This has gone on for a year and a half and I am so tired of it. I don’t know where to turn. I really want to not care.