Confusing emotions about a past relationship


Dear Coach,
I am in a very strange situation. I recently decided to break up with my boyfriend throughout 10 years. The reason was valid for me – there was too much fighting every time we saw eachother and I no longer could see myself having a future with him, if he was not willing to seak couple therapy/coaching to get help on our communication problems. We have in the past 3 years been living in each our country due to careers, but the communication issues have been there for much longer. He was not willing to get any kind of therapy with me, so I did no want to continue the relationship. He accepted the break up and we had a very peaceful and “grown-up” break up and took some time talking about things and remembering the good things we had (with no fighting at all :-)).
We agreed that we would like to keep the friendship we had had for 10 years and to not totally disappear from eachothers lives.
Then around 10 days later, I was contacted by a woman who told me that she had been in a relationship with him for the past year, and that she thought she was the only one – but then she discovered that I existed and apparently there was also been a 3rd woman… I was of course shocked and after alot of writing back and forth and me asking for evidence (which I got), I understood that this was the case: he had been having an affair with 2 girls in parallel, none of them knew about me nor eachother.
This of course generated alot of anger, frustration and sadness in me. Especially because I wasnt sure I would ever be able to see him the way I did before as a person, and to have him as my friend again. And that was maybe even harder than loosing him as a boyfriend.
I needed to take around 3 weeks to become less emotional, before I confronted him, as I really did not want to destroy my perception of the nice break up (in which I sort of felt like I had the upper hand, as it was me taking the decision). So then I finally confronted him (on a very bad skype connection), and he admitted everything and he cryed and cryed and apologized so much, as I have never seen him do before. He said so many positive things about me and what I have meant in his life and that he didnt want to loose the possibility of having a frienship with me.
So after giving him a really hard time for about a week with angry phone calls and messages, and crying and feeling both sad, angry and sorry for him – and him crying like a baby every time I talked to him and apologizing 1 mio times – something new happened: I got tired of being angry. I realised that I could not and would not let 10 years of strong friendship be ruined by this thing that happened in the past 1 year. And I told him, I was done with the pain and suffering; that I wanted us to move on that I choose to beleive that out frienship can survive this, and I want to make an effort, and that I think he should do the same and instead of beating himself up, try to learn from it.
So today we finally had a face to face meeting – around 1,5 week after the “big exposure”. And the weirdest thing is; I totally forgive him, I dont care about these other women, I know things have not been well between us and I had the urge too. I did not react on it, and I am not making excuses for it, I just think that I see and understand what happened, And I have seen more emotions from him in the past 1,5 weeks , than I almost ever remember, I have had so many compliments about myself and the role I have played in his life, that I wasnt even aware of, and we have had a more honest and clear communication that I have ever had with him. I now see a totally new person coming out of this mess, and I am starting to have feelings for him again, that I didnt for a long time. So now I feel like having him back in my life – in spite of him double cheating on me in the past year. Its like I see a small seed being planted for a future together, because we never had this much authenticity and honesty in our relationship before. However he is very determined that we stick to the decision to leave eachother as a couple and be friends instead. I feel miserable, I feel like he all of a sudden has changed into being the person, I wanted him to be all the time, but now its too late: I dont know how to turn around my thinking in order to realise, that I should not try to win him back. I feel humiliated and ashamed by even thinking that I want him back. I am not “supposed to” want him back after what he did. And also, I cannot count on him changing and staying like this. However, all the emotions and honesty has touched me deeply.