Confusing Myself

Hi Brooke,

I am trying to unravel the web of lies and confusion that my brain and I (like we are 2 people) have created to continue overeating and over drinking…First I learned that I kept changing my mind on what was most important for me to focus on so I would never really focus on anything, so now, anytime I come up with a new “most important” idea I have to write it down because I have a focus and I’m not letting myself trick myself (that sounds ridiculous). So a huge win!! I also had my longest not drinking stint ever this week and had to sit in horrible uncomfortableness (and amazingly I survived, lol)…HUGE win!!.

Now, I am dealing with planned drinking…I had a planned drinking last night and I stuck to it and today I feel like complete garbage…totally horrible…I am dealing with eating urges today because I used to eat grease the morning after, so that sucks, I had a fight with my husband because I am hung over and cranky, I am trying to get my head in the game for work…this is SO not worth it.

Here’s my struggle…I have another planned drinking night tonight. I am going out for dinner with my husband and another couple and wanted to have some wine so planned this out…but right now I don’t want to, but then I am sure by tonight if history repeats itself I will want to drink, but I know it doesn’t serve me and I have a gym appointment tomorrow…I keep asking myself “why don’t you just not drink?” And I can’t seem to come up with an answer…I am journaling and modeling all different scenarios…I am pretty sure I am again trying to confuse myself…should I just keep asking myself this question and keep modeling? I feel like I going in circles and I can see how ridiculous this is.

Any insight to what I am doing wrong would be wonderful…the funny thing is when I started this, I was like this is so easy, I know what’s going on and I see now its because I wasn’t really trying…now I see that there are so many layers that I need to unravel…This is so much harder than I thought it would be…so very thankful I have found Scholars!!