I’m working through connection workbook.

The motivating force is my husband and my relationship.

We have hardly any physical contact nor that deeper connection. There is a longing in me, but I feel so afraid to go there. To “let go” into him. I should note, that sometimes the longing is for intimacy in general and sometimes it is with him. And by intimacy I mean deep connection which can include sex but doesn’t have to.

Which is why I am working with the connection workbook – to discover areas of connection I do have with him and want to have.

As I write my list I realize that while I talk to him about some of the items on it – business, the Model, doing physical exercise – I don’t really want to. He isn’t into it. But he does it anyway, he tells me he loves to talk with me. (Even if the topic is not the same passion level as me)

So I’m at a bit of a snagging.

He likes to talk with me, but I’m realizing I don’t want to talk with him because he isn’t that skilled at the topics and I want or need that in the connection.

Which then leads me to feeling more selfish.

And there is another thought that if I really focus on filling my cup with the connections that do fill my cup, that nourish me, I will have more for him. To be fully with him. Maybe that will help.

So for business I have joined EO and for exercise, I have a few friends who are keen.

But then he looks so morose and he tells me he misses me.

When I think of where we do have connection it is parenting and talking about parenting our twins (they are now 3). It is also about travel, and where we plan to go in our own country and where we want to go, when all of this covid stuff settles out. There is also connection around food and dessert making.

It feels so little, and so… well “obligatory” – we all have to eat and parent (if we have kids).

So overall I am sad. I want more.

I’m only in day 1 of this and I have a whole month to go. I’m happy I’m feeling something after being so numb for so long.

Can you guide me in my idea that if I keep deliberately focusing on the connections I do want and being conscious about them, as I nourish myself, I will have more unconditional love for him?

Maybe this is a man unanswerable question.