Connection: Pattern of extended periods of crushing/fantasizing over unavailable people.


Here’s something I’ve been doing my whole life. I fixate on an unavailable person as a “love” interest. I fantasize about this person constantly, thinking as if I were narrating thoughts to them. It’s like having an imaginary friend, and I know its roots are in my childhood (I was a very “imaginative” (dissociative) kid, due to my early connections. )
Several years ago, I realized this is a dissociative and “buffering” behavior. More recently I have learned about “covert avoidant” attachment style, and how I “protect” myself from actual intimacy by only being attracted to people who are completely out of reach. I see how this is from my childhood, and there are alot of beliefs coming to light here that I am working with in models. Through vigilance, I have discovered that this pattern has kept me, not only from fulfilling my true desire for intimacy with others (or finding a partner), but that it has crippled my connection to myself. I am wanting to learn how to think/live for myself. Even when I discover things in models, I might exclaim internally “Wow, look at that!” but it will be “to” that nebulous image in my psyche representing the desiderate “other”.
Seeing the coaching calls with others this week has helped me immensely, to greet myself with compassion instead of reprimand, and to begin to turn towards ending “the suffering about the suffering”.
I’m getting better about untangling/breaking up my models.
The first one here is about the suffering about the suffering, so I used that in the C, even though it’s not the “fact” (as demonstrated in model work around feelings of anxiety in recent coaching video)

c. Fantasy relationship
t. Damnit! I can’t stop doing this!
f. Shame/despair
a. disintegrate into nonfunctioning mass on the floor (lol)
r. Plead with person in my head/ “make-up” with fantasy partner to escape the pain- Cycle repeats.

My question has to do with modeling the fantasy thoughts. Is this even useful? I am not doing it right, because the result does not match the “thought”. The “thoughts” are more like “visualizations” and I wonder if there is an underlying thought… (more on that below)

c. An (disinterested or unavailable) acquaintance exists
t. We are enjoying this beautiful hike/meal/movie together (it is not true, the person is not there or aware)
f. ecstasy
a. Don’t respond to real people who have the capacity to care for me
r. Disinterest in people with the capacity to love me
(t and r do not match)

Above I mentioned underlying or “covert” thoughts. I made a discovery about this when starting this work. I realized that a model I was working with felt truer when I dug under the thought and found a root-thought. I know this is getting out of the realm of terminology used in the site, bear with me…

c. An acquaintance exists.
t. “if only they would…then I…”
f. longing, futility
a. disintegrate into useless heap (more or less)
r. more of the same.

The t line here, “If only they would ____ then____” , was incomprehensible to me, because I can reason that it is not true. But reasoning didn’t make me FEEL better.
Then I did an intentional model with “empowered” in the f line and I found the “real” thought that I could work with:

c. an acquaintance exists
t. When I think “If only”, I am really thinking “I make YOU the controller” (of my happiness, value, worthiness, etc). How arbitrary! Like “flipping a coin”, I realized, only with worse odds, since my pattern has been to “choose” those based on their unavailability/unwillingness.
f. empowered (and a little silly!)
a. make moves to meet my own needs/wants
r. I don’t do it as much. I don’t have time to!

For some reason, that t. “I make you the controller” really unlocked it for me, even though it had never been a conscious thought.

I guess to reiterate the help I’m looking for here,
when I slip into fantasy (my brain is really good at it) is there a way to work with those arising thoughts/visualizations? They make me feel so good (ecstacy is the perfect word) that I feel that little heel of disingenuousness to myself when I invalidate them. When I say “ecstacy” I realize this may be an “inappropriate pleasure”/indulgent emotion (heroin probably feels nice too! lol).
Is there any validity to the concept of covert/unconscious thoughts, disguised as other thoughts?
And finally, any feedback on my models is appreciated.

Thank you in advance!!

I LOVE YOU BROOKE!