My husband is making me responsible for his feelings of connection with me. We go through cycles where he doesn’t communicate his needs or wants clearly or in a way I fully understand or respond to, but he still expects me to meet them, and then we both end up upset. He says he’ll “try to do better”, but beats himself up for “saying the wrong thing” or “doing it wrong” or “not being good enough” and I know that those thoughts just perpetuate the cycle. Is there a way I can interrupt his Model? It frustrates me because I’m trying to communicate with him that I’m never going to judge him or leave him and that I’m willing to talk about anything. I’m working hard on loving him without expectations.
I’ve shown him the Terms & Concepts booklet from January (which he read), and I’ve talked to him about the Model. He said he doesn’t like the idea that thoughts create feelings/actions/results. I’m also working on finding someone to match that want with me, to talk about the Model and be all-in on self-help and self-coaching, because he’s not interested.
I like the idea that it only takes one sane person in a relationship, but how does that work out if I’m the sane one, working on me, understanding my own wants and needs and where to get them met, if he’s making me responsible for how he feels? How does any of the work I’m doing on myself translate to him not expecting me to meet all his wants? I want to want to reach the point that I’m not reacting or people pleasing or believing that I’m responsible for his feelings, and I also don’t want him to keep making me responsible for his feelings and then feel unloved if I’m not doing all the things he wants me to do.