Coping With Spouse Who Is Not Managing Their Mind


I feel like I’m managing my mind fairly well. I’m not overly stressed out, despite the fact that I’m a self-employed massage therapist and the governor of my state has just shut down all non-essential businesses. If I don’t work, I don’t get paid. I’m worried about that, but I’m okay. I’m now responsible for home-schooling my 7 yr old daughter. I’m worried about that, but I’m okay. My husband is in construction, which is still considered an essential business, and he’s helping to reinstall a kitchen for a couple that is sheltering at home so they have some place to prepare meals. He’s out and about every day in our community, and possibly exposed to the virus. I’m worried about that, but I’m okay. All of these things and more, I feel like I’m okay.

I’m using this opportunity to help fulfill a dream of mine – to become an author. I’ve been working on a novel outline for the last 3 months and with the extra time that sheltering at home is offering me, I have pretty much finished the outline and am ready to start the rough draft in April. In this regard, it has been a blessing. It’s the opportunity that I have been longing for, even as I am aware of the terrible cost that it is coming at around the world.

So, with all of that being said, I really feel that I’m doing okay. I know I’m going to be okay, no matter what. Scholars has been instrumental in helping me to get to that point, and I just joined at the beginning of January. I know that my family will get through this, somehow.

My challenge is that my husband is not managing his mind. He’s not into anything like Scholars, he believes it’s stupid. “You can’t change reality just by thinking about it.” I know enough now to know that that’s not true. But I find myself resisting his negativity. He’s freaking out, he’s stressed out, and he’s afraid. I get that. He’s trying to convince himself that all of the measures that are being taken to slow the spread of the virus are stupid, that they’ll destroy the economy and ruin us all, that the government doesn’t have the right to shut any businesses down, etc, etc. I know it’s because he’s afraid. And I know I can’t help him if he doesn’t want to be helped and just wants to wallow in his fear and denial. But I find myself getting more stressed about his reaction than anything else going on in the world. And I’m worried about how it will affect our daughter. I’m not sure how to step back from him and allow him to be who he is, while still managing my mind. Anything that I say that he disagrees with me about, he snaps at me. So I end up not talking to him, not spending time with him, and just letting him wallow in his negativity because I can’t stand to be around it.

C: Husband disagrees with coronavirus measures and information
T: He should manage his mind better, because I can’t stand to be around him when he doesn’t.
F: Anxiety
A: avoid him, avoid talking to him, blame him, feel stressed and angry at him, *give him power over my feelings (I think I just figured it out – haha!)
R: I’m not managing my own mind about him (requiring that he feel okay so I can feel okay).

I think I just figured it out. I had put it into a model before, but hadn’t gotten this result. It’s suddenly clear. If I didn’t have the thought that he should be managing his mind, then it wouldn’t be an issue. Haha! I’m posting this anyway, because it might help someone else. See?! The Model really works! Lol! 😉